Too Bad It's Monday Jokes after Superbowl

If Ravens & 49ers are tied at end of regulation of Super Bowl XLVII, the 2 Harbaugh brothers plan to meet at midfield and wrestle to see who wins. 

Old, but still funny:

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" 

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" 

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

An elderly man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. 

The man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars parked outside our house!"

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. 

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. 

"Tommy," replied the second. 

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. 

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." 

"Honest?" asked Billy. 

"No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco jist to show em liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" 

The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

Three guys, a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer, were riding in a car. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the LORD. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" 

The LORD replies, "A minute." 

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" 

The LORD replies, "A penny."

"Smith asks,"Can I have a penny?" 

The LORD replies, "In a minute".

KATZ

  

Alex says:

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