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Monday, March 25, 2013

Too Bad It's Monday Humor


Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centered?
A: Because he is eggocentric. (egocentric)

Q: Where does Valentine's Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: Do you know how bunnies stay in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
A: One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: Why did the magician have to cancel his show?
A: He'd just washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with it.

Q: What type of movie is about water fowl?
A: A duckumentary.

Q: What is the end of Easter? 
A: The letter R.

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in?
A: Mallardjusted.

Q: Why is the letter A like a flower?
A: A bee comes after it

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. 

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"


For their 10th anniversary, a wife surprises her husband by wearing the lingerie she wore on their wedding night. She asks her husband what his exact thoughts were 10 years ago when he first saw her in the lingerie.

He says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f**k your brains out."

"Well, what do you think today?"

He says, "I think I did a good job."


One day, a man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the pub. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the pub. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.

He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.

"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."

"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"

"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

CLICK TO ENLARGE




A husband and wife sleep in separate twin beds. One night he asks his wife to come over to his bed to fool around.

As the wife gets up to walk over to his bed, she trips over the carpet and falls flat on her face. The husband looks up concerned and says, "Oh did my little wifey fall on her little nosey wosey?"

She laughs and gets in his bed. When they are done, she gets up to go back to her bed and falls over the rug again. Her husband looks over his shoulder to see her on the floor, rolls over and says, "Clumsy bitch."





Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

  • No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. 
  • If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. 
  • If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. 
  • Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. 
  • If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. 
  • If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. 
  • Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. 
  • The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you. 
  • The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you. 


KATZ






















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