Monday, March 11, 2013

Too Bad it's Monday Jokes, Humor, and KATZ

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. 

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. 

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion." 

For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form.

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40. 

Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Accountant

10. After three of the questions on the tax form, he's just written "Huh?"

9. It takes him a half hour to figure out his tip at Red Lobster.

8. He tends to whimper and say, "Numbers are hard!"

7. His last client was Nicholas Cage.

6. He swears "umpteen" is a real number.

5. He checks off the box for "joint filing," then lights one up.

4. He keeps insisting, "No, you're wrong! They're due on August 15th!"

3. You notice that his calculator is really a TV remote.

2. After every number on your tax form, he's written "or so."

1. He likes to do his calculating in the nude, so he can count up to 21.

Some people asked the secret of Anthony's long marriage. He explained,  "We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober."

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

You might be a redneck if...

  • You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
  • The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
  • You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
  • You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
  • You clean your nails with a stick.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
  • People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
  • Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. 

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" 

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. 

"How do you know this, Sister?" 

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" 

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" 

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" 

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" 

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. 

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?" 

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Then Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor.

Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.


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