Too Bad It's Monday Humor

'Twas the day before Easter and all through the woods,
The bunnies were busy packing their goods.
The eggs were all colored so pretty and bright,
All things were "go" for the big, special night.

The baskets were waiting, all decorated with care,
In hopes that the Bunny soon would be there.
My little brother Sam was asleep in his bed,
While visions of Easter eggs rolled round his head.

And I in my pajamas with the cat on my lap,
I had just settled down for a quick little nap.
When outside the window I heard a great noise,
I sprang from my chair and jumped over some toys.

As quick as a flash to the window I flew,
I pulled up the shade and, OH, what a view.
The moon on the meadow cast a bright golden glow
And the wind blew the flowers to and then fro.

Then all of a sudden from out of nowhere,
Came some lively bunnies, hopping here, hopping there!
Leading the group with ears long and funny
Was a plump, all-white rabbit... That's right, the EASTER BUNNY

This is a very old joke:

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman: "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Another a very old joke:

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!" 

Three theologically-limited guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?" The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter." 

This is my all-time favorite Easter cartoon:

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade? 

A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around? 

A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: What do you call a duck that just doesn't fit in? 

A: Mallardjusted.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken and the Easter Bunny? 

A: A good Easter.

Q: What do you call a duck who plays basketball? 

A: A slam duck.

Q: Why was the rabbit rubbing his head? 

A: Because he had a eggache! (headache)

Q: How do bunnies stay healthy? 

A: Eggercise

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes? 

A: Your one hot chick! 

God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." 

Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." 

Adam went on and on like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. 

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."

All I Need to Know About Life I Learned from the Easter Bunny

• Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
• Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
• Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
• There's no such thing as too much candy.
• All work and no play can make you a basket case.
• A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
• Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
• Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
• Some body parts should be floppy.
• Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
• The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
• An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
• To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
• The best things in life are still sweet and gooey!

And because I am an ordained Christian minister:

KATZ (+ KATZ FWENDZ)

I shall now return to sleep.

Please do not awaken me as you leave.

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