Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes, Humor, and KATZ)

Twitter One-liners:

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body. ~ Oberon Bone

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your mother-in-law as far away as humanly possible. ~ Rev Scott

My stalker can beat up your stalker. ~ Rev Scott

Never underestimate the value of a good scream. ~ StrangeFoxSly ‏

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you work for five dollars an hour.  ~ Corporate Jesus

Teaching my kid how to do the weasel because its never too early to be socially awkward. ~ DaddyJew

Geraldo is chasing after Black Panthers. Fox News has an infatuation with finding sinister looking black people as a national problem. ~ Jeff Gauvin

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. 

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 

1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. 

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 

2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' 

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk." 

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. 

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. 

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?" 

The owner says, "How about a cat?" 

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!" 

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!" 

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." 

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. 

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room." 

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. 

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!" 

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." 

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede. 

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede. 

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede! 

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? 

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside. 

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!" 

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"

Confessions of a Teenage Blonde

• None of my yoga pants have actually ever been to yoga. 
• My actual New years resolution: look like a Victoria's Secret model. 
• If pink and glitter were vitamins I would be the healthiest person alive. 
• If it's pink and if it sparkles, I either already own it or I will. 
• My mind says Victoria's Secret model, but my heart says chocolate, Starbucks, wine. 
• Too much glitter isn't enough glitter. 
• I believe shopping is the best calorie burner. 
• Every time I see a brunette I think, "Bitch please. My straightener is hotter than you." 
• If you don’t love pink, you’re wrong. 
• I can't wear it Friday night if I've already taken a picture in it. 
• The Holidays require extra glitter. 
• I wish my hair grew as fast as my nails. 
• Whenever I get blood work done, the nurse is always surprised to see glitter in the vial. 
• You can never be too blonde. 
• You only have one life to live; wear the sequins, fall in love, buy the shoes and never worry about what negative people think. 
• My blood type is pink glitter. 
• My closet is full of clothes with the tags still on them but I shop anyways. 
• I have this fear of wasting a really cute outfit on an insignificant day. 
• My blonde hair came from God, yours came from a box. 
• I win. 
• It doesn't matter what time I start getting ready. I am always late. 
• Things I liked as a little girl: Pink, dressing up, and glitter. 
• Things I like now: Pink, dressing up, and glitter. 
• My room was clean until I had to figure out what to wear. 
• I don't see the world in black and white, I see it in pink and glitter. 
• Whoever said money can't buy happiness obviously never went to Victoria's Secret. 
• I don't know what you mean by "too much pink." 
• There should be a Victoria's Secret Fashion Show once a month. 
• My eyelashes always hit the lenses of my sunglasses. 
• Christmas would be perfect if it snows pink glitter! 
• Blonde hair and pink were made for each other. 
• I don't have too many clothes, I just don't have enough closets. 
• If it has to rain, can it at least rain glitter? 
• Studies show that women who wear pink go farther in life. 
• I am convinced heaven and Victoria's Secret are the same thing. 

Speaking of potheads...

Q: How do you know you are a true stoner? 

A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes! 

Police Officer: "How high are you?" 

Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?" 

Q: What do you call a pothead with two spliffs? 

A: Double jointed. 

Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ? 

A: Malnutrition.  

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? 

A: Because pot holder was taken 

Q: Did you hear about the kid that overdosed on weed? 

A: Niether did I. 

Q: What do you call a stoner's wife? 

A: Mississippi 

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." 

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." 

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out." 

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. 

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house. 

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler. 

'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. 

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. 

KATZ