Sunday, May 26, 2013

Too Bad It's Monday on Sunday

I'm publishing Too Bad It's Monday on Sunday because I have a special Memorial Day post for tomorrow. Enjoy! May you have many laughs.

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. 

The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" 

The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." 

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." 

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!" 

Silly Qs and As about Cats
Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning herself? 
A. She’s smoking a cigarette. 

Q: What do you get if you cross a leopard with a watchdog? 
A: A terrified postman! 

Q: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? 
A: She had mittens. 

Q: What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? 
A: The purrpatrator. 

Q: Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge? 
A: Because it turns "ice" into "mice"! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? 
A: A sourpuss! 

Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army? 
A: They both wear stripes! 

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? 
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'! 

Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding? 
A: Chocolate mousse! 

Q: What looks like half a cat? 
A: The other half! 

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? 
A: 'Claws.' 

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!" 

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" 

The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is." 

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a hamster and places him behind the piano. The hamster starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink. 

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" 

The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."

The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the hamster." 

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. 

After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points tothe drunk who is passed out on the floor. The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." 

The drunks says "not for sale". 

The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scating rat."T

he drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat. 

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?" 

The Drunk says, "Relax, the hamster is a ventriloquist"

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at lover's point where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"

"No!" she answered. 

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" 

"No!" she answers again. 

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. 

"Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again. 

"No!" she answers yet again. 

Frustrated, he demands, "Well why not?" 

"Because I want to stay up here with you!" 

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." 

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!" 

The wife chose to ignore the husband. 

Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. 

"What's wrong?" he asks. 

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie!" 

Etiquette Guide For Rednecks 

1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are. 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. 

DATING (Outside the Family) 
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. 

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. 


1 comment:

  1. Glad I found this! I could not make it through the week without my Monday Nick's Bytes.