Monday, June 10, 2013

Too Bad It's Monday (Jokes & Humor & KATZ)

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Boston Red Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Red Sox fans, too. Not really knowing what a Red Sox fan was, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Mary has not gone along with the crowd. 

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. 

"Because I'm not a Red Sox fan." 

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" 

"Why I'm proud to be a New York Yankees fan.", boasts the little girl. 

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Mary why she is a Yankees fan. 

"Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankees fans, and I'm a Yankees fan, too!" 

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?" 

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Mary, "I'd be a Red Sox fan." 

A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom. Their little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?

The father replies,"Making you a little sister" 

The little boy, "No, no, no! Do it doggy style! I want a puppy.

Two odd looking guys are sitting in a small cafe when a third guy decides to join them, All three get into a heated conversation about their physical attributes. 

One says: "I've got the smallest arm in the world!" 

Another says: "I've got the smallest head in the world!"

The last one says: "I've got the smallest dick in the world!" 

The 3 guys decide to go to Guinness World Records office. 

The first one goes in and returns happy: "I've really got the smallest arm in the world!" 

The second returns happy too: "I've really, got the smallest head of the world!" 

The last one returns angry and screams: "WHO THE HELL IS JUSTIN BIEBER?" 

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle OF the circle and not leave it. 

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. 

The blonde started laughing. 

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. 

This time the blonde laughed even harder. 

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. 

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. 

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" 

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle". 

They said...

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? Zach Galifianakis 

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger

 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner 

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection. Lady Gaga 

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. Frank Sinatra 

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Dr. Seuss

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein 

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett 

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld 

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers 

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." Claude Pepper 

The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. Al Gore 

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. Oscar Wilde 

Always forgive your enemies; nothing else annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde 

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell at them the name will carry. Bill Cosby 



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  2. Excellent as usual, SSN. You always give me a smile on Mondays (and Fridays, too).

  3. This a a mess of a lot of laughter for a Monday morning. Excellent.

    Have a terrific day filled with smiles. ☺

  4. Very, very funny, SSN. I do enjoy your funnies!

  5. I never really understood the Justin Beiber phenomenon either. I looked him up on YouTube and was singularly unimpressed.

    I *loved* the cat in a box on a skateboard!

  6. Really cute jokes!! Too bad I didn't read until late in the day, I could have used the laughs to start my day!

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  9. Great jokes. Thanks for brightening up my Monday night.

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