Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Sixteen years ago, a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his bakery and confronted the baker with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free baked goods (bread) until the boy was 16. She agreed. 

The baker had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the bread each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." 

"I know," said the baker with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this loaf of bread home, that it is the last loaf of bread she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the baker and tell him I have also had free meat, free milk, and free health care for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" 

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" 

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations." 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" 

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and choked it to sleep with his two hands. A local journalist saw this happen, congratulated the man and told him he wanted to write a story called, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." 

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town. 

"Well, then," the journalist said, "the story will be called, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'." 

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." 

In the next morning's edition of the newspaper the story ran under the headline:

DAMNED YANKEE KILLS FAMILY PET

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?" 

His employees replied, "No." 

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?" 

His employees replied again, "No." 

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?" 

His workers responded, "A puppy." 

A scientist went to a back alley brain store to get some human brain samples to complete a study. As he walks into the establishment he sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain samples offered at this particular brain store. He then questions the owner about the cost of these brains. "How much does it cost for an engineer's brain?" 

"Ten dollars an ounce." 

"How much does it cost for a programmer's brain?" 

"Twenty dollars an ounce." 

"How much for a lawyer's brain?" 

"$1,000 an ounce." 

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?" 

"Do you know how many lawyers had to die to get one ounce of brain?" 

A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road. The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police. A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. 

"Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says. 

The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!" 

The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener." 

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday The Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him to Catholicism. Finally, after many threats and much pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and says, "Born a Jew, Raised a Jew, Now a Catholic." 

The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood. 

The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, "Born a cow, Raised a cow, Now a fish." 

KATZ

There are 3 newborn kittens at Sometimes Saintly Nick's apartment! Alex, the oldest of the Kitty Kids, has published photos of the babies on this blog, Alexicon, and invites you to peruse them: 

3 Itty Bitty Kettah