Wednesday, September 25, 2013

At This Moment

There have been times in my life—now being one of them—when I have felt like crying. I am not sad. I’m not in great pain. My left leg is weak, which hampers my movement, but that is rather normal these days.

Still I feel like crying. I haven’t cried and I don’t plan on crying, but I feel like crying. I suppose this is related to the clinical depression that has plagued me almost my entire life. But this is not the severe melancholia such as when I can’t get myself to do anything except sit or sleep. I just feel like I want to cry.

There is nothing about the present moment that should bring on that desire to cry. Alex and Sugar are outside; Midnight is running around, playing. There are times that I allow Sugar and Alex to go outside after dark. Both return about midnight. Neither wanders off too far. This is a gated apartment complex; the gates are now closed and locked so the odds are against someone who doesn’t belong here being here.

Usually I just allow Alex outside. Among other things, he needs a break from the female felines. The first thing he usually does is go out into the lawn and nibble on some grass. Alex has loved to graze ever since he was a little kitten. After grazing, Alex may check out the patio next door, where a dog and Little Girl once lived. Within half an hour of Alex going out he will return to the patio, roll on the concrete, and then settled down to nap or gaze up at the night sky.

Sugar may wander farther away than Alex, but she always returns after two or three hours outside. She won’t usually join Alex on the patio. Sugar will curl up in the bushes in front of the patio. When I turn on the patio light and open the door for the cats to come in, Alex will look around a bit and then run through the door. Sugar, meanwhile, is watching and as soon as Alex runs inside, she’ll scamper from the bushes, across the patio, and through the open door behind him.

One of the reasons I sent both tonight is that I hope they will encounter LG and bring her home. She’s been gone just over a week and I am concerned about her welfare.

My concern about LG is not the catalyst for my wanting to shed tears. Whatever is behind this sad, almost mournful, feeling, it has begun to evaporate as I have dictated (using Dragon software) this blog. Whoever said he who writes thinks twice was right, even when one is not using a pen or a keyboard. I am feeling the need to cry much less now that I have concentrated on writing this blog post.

Alex and Sugar returned home early tonight. I checked the patio at 10:00 PM and Sugar was waiting at the door, with Alex standing behind her. Alex headed for food; Sugar, after being greeted by Midnight, jumps onto the back of my desk chair and asked for treats, which I gave her. No sign of Little Girl.

Alex headed straight for FOOD.

Midnight greeted Sugar (that Sugar's tail at the bottom)

Sugar leaped on my chair and begged treats (you can see Midnight in the litter box at the bottom left)

For Sometimes Saintly Nick and his kitty kids, please


  1. I felt like that on Friday night - close to tears - for no good reason. I hope you are feeling better, Nick. I know how it is. My dad had clinical depression; I've never actually had it but I am on the edge sometimes.

    1. Thank you, Mauigirl. The desire to cry lasted about 5 hours. By the time I went to sleep, it was gone,

  2. Your humanity speaks to me!

    ALOHA from Honolulu
    Comfort Spiral
    =^..^= <3

    1. Thank you, Cloudia. I try to be as human as possible. I have never visited Hawaii--unfortunately!

  3. You know what, Nick, It helps to cry for no conscious reason at all. There's something in your subconscious that demands release and tears are sometimes the way of letting you know. Still, I'm glad that writing helps..often just getting the feeling out on paper or the screen is just as good as a bloody good bawl :).

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Yes, the writing always seems to help me through whatever. I probably needed to have a bawl: when I do some something cathartic takes place that is life affirming.

  4. I'm glad you have come true that bit of melancholia OK. I have times such as that, now more infrequently than when I was younger. I hope your missing cat returns safely. Blessings to your and yours, dear friend.