Monday, December 09, 2013

Too Bad It's Monday (Humor + KATZ)

Did he/she really say that?
  • Found my son and his girlfriend naked in his room. Sex-ed is so advanced now, they also give homework! 
  • My son wants to make video games when he grows up. So it's important he plays as much as he can to learn.
  • My son's black friends must be bad at basketball...They keep talking about how they want to double team me.
  • I think my daughter secretly love's star wars, I found a vibrating light saber under her bed!
  • My son's friend said he wanted to get "stoned"...What a horrible way to die. Why would he say that?
  • My husband has been coming home late because he's been training his new secretary. He's so considerate. 
  • My son is always tending to his in-home garden...I never understood why he grows his plants in the closet though.
  • I think its adorable when my teen daughter has sleepovers! All of my friends were boys at that age too! 
  • My son said he finally came out of the closet. He must be playing hide and seek! 
  • My son said he wants to be a drug dealer...I think he meant pharmacist though! Cute kid.
  • My daughter taught me that new dance called "twerking". My son's black friends love when I do it for them.
  • I'm so popular ... All the neighborhood boys bought me yoga pants for Christmas,
  • A few of my sons friends all must have lisps because they always ask me for a glass of Milf.
  • I guess my son doesn't like his girlfriend's parents, because he always goes over to her house when they aren't home.

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. 

The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?'' 

The assistant says, '' 2000.'' 

The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. 

The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.'' 

''What about the green one?'' the man asks. 

The assistant says, ''He costs 5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.'' 

''What about the red one?'' the man asks. The assistant says, 

''That one's 10,000.'' The man says, ''What does HE do?'' 

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.'' 

Q: Whose been calling for Sarah Palin to run for president? 

A: Democrats! 

Three accountants and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.

They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money (knowing that accountants are clever with money) . When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant.

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a rest room and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the engineers are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." 

A contractor was speaking with a woman about a painting job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Top honors for "Human Projectile of the Month" go to an as-of-yet unidentified dude who is also a serious contender for the annual "Darwin Award". That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion. 

Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway. 

The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they "pieced" together: 

JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off", typically lifting big transport planes into the air from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers. 

They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that -- let's call him "Zippy" ---- didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride.

He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the track, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt. 

The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the Chevy to "well in excess of 350 miles per hour" and continued at "full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins to liquefied trails on the pavement. 

Remember that little rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We'll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.


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