Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

The Jewish Holocaust Remembrance Day Yom HaShoah (יום השואה) begins in the evening of Sunday, April 27 and ends in the evening of Monday, April 28.

My post, The Holocaust: We must never forget, was posted yesterday.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?" 

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the midwest, and had been married quite a few  years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepened  each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars." 

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer before he'd have wings to fly himself, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." And once he got there the feeling to fly become quite strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement over paying for a flight.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to their problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you make one sound, you pay ten dollars."

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

Joe decides to take his boss, Phil, to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there, stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. 

Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" 

"It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired."

There was a guy who was half Italian and half Polish. He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

The Yankees played last night and their pitcher had pine tar on his neck. You can't have a foreign substance on your neck. Why can't the guy be like everybody else and just forget the pine tar and use the steroids? ~ David Letterman

A strange new product is coming to your liver this fall — Palcohol, which is powdered alcohol. It's like Crystal Light that will get you drunk.~ Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook has acquired a new mobile app that would allow users to track their exercise and measure how many calories they’ve burned. So if you love Facebook, and you love exercise, you’re lying about one of those. ~ Seth Meyers

President Obama is visiting Japan, and for dinner last night he had $300 sushi. That's a lot of dough, but you know, it comes with unlimited bread sticks. And Mercury poisoning is covered by Obamacare. ~ David Letterman 

Police in Canada were called after a bear got its head stuck in a jar and then walked down the street. Animal control immediately removed the jar and said, “Oh, sorry we didn't recognize you, Mayor Ford.” ~ Jimmy Fallon

Deep Thoughts 

• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff? 
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? 
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? 
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? 

Idiots!

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. 

In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened." 

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" 

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody. 

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" 

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. 

KATZ