A guy took his (blonde?) girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents."
A man arrived at his grandparents' home and found his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims.
The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here half naked?" he asks again.
The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
Q You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
A. Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nun asks.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasp the other nuns. "What did you do?" they ask.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replies.
The third nun faints.Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nun asks.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasp the other nuns. "What did you do?" they ask.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replies.
The third nun faints.
Craig Ferguson:
The L.A. Clippers have been sold. Yes, I also don't really care. Everyone is like, "Oh, OK."
The Clippers have been sold for $2 billion. That got your attention.
Donald Sterling paid only $12 million to buy the Clippers. This deal is very uncomfortable for the former owner because it puts him in the black.
After
the Revolution: The far right Tea Party extremists have
overthrown the Federal government. Immediately they start rounding up enemies
to execute.
A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill
Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right
wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a
diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and
points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around
to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind
him and runs away.
The firing squad turns their attention back to
the two men who are left. Clinton Clinton
The firing squad resumes their stance and
proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can
create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster
to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".
I asked my Canadian friend "Did you have a good Summer?
He replied "Yes indeed, we had a great picnic that afternoon!"
KATZ
Lovely :)
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