Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Things to do without your glasses:
1. Tell a black-and-white sports bra how very pretty it is.
2. Realize that sports bra is not, in fact, a tuxedo cat.
3. Hope like hell that not even the cats saw that.
Late Night Funnies
ABC announced that Rosie Perez will join Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg as the new co-hosts of “The View.” Which explains the show's new sponsor: Bose noise-canceling headphones.
Evil hackers have figured out how to get photos that are private property and they're selling them. It's a felony. Naked photos of Kim Kardashian were hacked and I thought, Well, she's naked on her driver's license, so how big a deal is that, honestly?
What the hackers do is they collect the naked photos and then they trade them like baseball cards and there's a lot of money. For example, you can get $10 million for a naked Honus Wagner.
It is a sad day for us in the comedy community. We lost Joan Rivers, one of the all-time greats. It is terribly sad. I just hope that when Joan meets the man upstairs, he's wearing something she can insult.
Sarah Silverman is on the show. I'm especially glad that Sarah's here tonight. For those of you who don't know, Sarah and I dated during the whole Paris Hilton administration.
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."