Monday, January 12, 2015

Too Bad It's Monday Humor + KATZ

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" 

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." 

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." 

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

10 Facts About You: 
1. You're reading this now. 
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact. 
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3. 
5. You're checking now. 
6. You're smiling. 
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid. 
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8. 
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again. 
11. You're enjoying this. 
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don’t know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

Church Bloopers

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 

Evening massage - 6 p.m. 

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. 

Ushers will eat latecomers. 

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. 

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. 

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding" 

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. 

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow. 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. 

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.