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Monday, August 29, 2005

Too Bad Its Monday Jokes

T.B.I.M (Too Bad It’s Monday) Jokes:again I am sharing with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., then my goal has been achieved.


True stories from doctors:

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

"It's very good!—except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that! read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

and finally...

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was—“I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". (Dr. wouldn't give his name)




It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"




On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"


A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.

"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"

"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."

"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

4 comments:

  1. My favorite joke:

    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack,a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

    When he heard nothing more, after a bit he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I am just trying to warn you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh? Who are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

    The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus..."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks, Thomas! That joke is one of my favorites, too. Since I limit the jokes I post to one that I receive in emails, I am going to consider your comment/post an email and add it to the ones I publish in next Monday’s blog!

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