AMAZON

Monday, October 24, 2005

Too Bad Its Monday Jokes

Here are what I consider to be the best jokes I received in my emails last week:






An old man was sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."


Johnny and Kip were playing hockey at Forest Park skating rink. Suddenly a vicious pit bull came up and attacked Kip. Instead of panicking, Johnny sneaked up behind the dog, stuck his hockey stick in the dog's collar, and broke the dog's neck.

A reporter from St. Louis heard about what had happened with the boy and he went to the Johnny's house to him. He asked Johnny how all of this happened, and Johnny told him. Then he asked Johnny if he could write about him, and Johnny said sure. So the reporter pulled out his notepad and started writing, "Blues fan from St. Louis saves friend from vicious dog."

Johnny said, "I'm not a Blues fan."

So the reporter started writing again. "Cardinals fan from St. Louis saves friend from dog."

Johnny said, "I'm not a Cardinals fan either."

The reporter finally asked, "What the hell are you a fan of?"

Johnny said, "I'm a Detroit Redwings fan."

The reporter frowned and stared writing again: "Little bastard from Michigan kills family pet."


One evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished
-- something's up.

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day, she told her office friends all about it. "

We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Ralph was too tired..."


Baking Cookies with Your Cat
1. Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2. Get cup of coffee.
3. Get cat off of cookbook.
4. Find that special recipe.
5. Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6. Go to fridge and get eggs.
7. Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8. Break eggs in small bowl.
9. Sift dry ingredients in large bowl.
10. Answer the phone.
11. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14. Throw flour out and get more.
15. Preheat oven for cookies.
16. Looking at cat & wanting to bake cat now. Cat runs for cover into bathroom.
17. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
18. Big crash in bathroom; run to see what happened.
19. Cat has toilet paper all over floor; stuff spilled and knocked over on top of bathroom counter.

20. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
21. You can sense cat is angry.
22. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24. Cleanup bathroom.
25. Hear a thump in kitchen ... Oh Gosh ... now what?
26. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27. Try to pick out cat hairs from flour.
28. Step on cat's tail and get bitten.
29. Get coat, car keys, and go to store to buy cookies.



A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren’t you going to get a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave." replied the lawyer.


One beautiful Saturday afternoon a priest and a man are golfing. The priest tees-off first making a beautiful shot on the fairway. Next the man hits and his shot crashes into the water trap.

"God-damn it! I missed!" the man exclaims in anger.

"Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt," the priest replies.

One the next tee the priest makes a nice shot onto the green while the man's lands in the sand. "God-damn it! I missed again!"

"Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt," the priest says.

Next hole the priest gets the play within range for an eagle put. The man shoots and again it flies into the water. "God-damn it! I missed again!"

As the man said this, the sky clouded over. All of a sudden a lightning bolt came down and hit the priest.

The man looked up to hear a voice thunder from the sky, "God-damn it! I missed again!"


5 comments:

  1. Having work with lawyers, I especially like the doctor/lawyer one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The cat one made me laugh. My roommie has a cat, and she gets into everything!! But she's adorable, so I put up with her. :-)

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  3. Jody: Thank you—and thanks to those wits who emailed them to me.

    Southern Fried girl: It seems lawyers are a favorite group at whom to laugh: I always seem to receive one or more lawyer joke! For example:

    Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
    A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Audrey: I never appreciated cats until I inherited Alex. I never realized that cat jokes aren’t really jokes but an interpretation of the reality of cats until I lived with Alex.

    For example:

    The Cat goes out
    And the cat comes back
    And no one can follow
    Upon her track.
    She knows where she's going
    She knows where she's been, all we can do
    Is to let her in.~ Marchette Chute

    ReplyDelete