Monday, November 21, 2005

Monday's Jokes

I am a bit late in making this post. Two-thirds of the family staying with me came down with a stomach virus. I came down with the same thing last night.

Here are what I consider to be the best jokes emailed to me during the past week:

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," a student wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.
- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.
- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
- Cats aren't clean; they're just covered with cat spit.
- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.
- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.
- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.
- One cat just leads to another.
- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

Only a West Virginian could think of this ... from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ripley, West Virginia. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) -- flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

When someone puts in for Child Support in Dallas, Texas, proper procedure requires finding out that the father is, to determine why he is not providing support.

The following are responses entered by Dallas women on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing fathers' details. These are actual excerpts from the forms Reviewers felt that number 10 was very good -- it took the prize in their collective opinion; number 3 was runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party, if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am Awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7 Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"


  1. These are hilarious! I have to laugh at the West Virginian joke, because it's so true, and I enjoyed the Child Services statements. Came across your blog from another I was reading, and had to read some as you are from Louisville, my original hometown (well, close to my original hometown).

  2. I finally got around to reading these. Again, thank you for the laughs.

  3. You're welcome, Abby. I am glad you enjoyed them.