Saturday, January 07, 2006

Time and Patience

To each who left comments on yesterday’s post, I offer my sincere appreciation.

I no longer feel as if my chest is being ripped apart; my tears are no longer flowing and my sobbing has ceased. Yet, I am aware of the sadness that remains within me, the source of which I cannot determine.

Those who know me have said that I try to analyze my feelings too much—that I need to allow myself to feel without trying to identify the source. That is what I have attempted to do last night and today. I “attempted”—and failed. Even in the midst of the sadness that I still feel, I have been trying to understand its basis.

With the death of my father, I understood the cause of my melancholia. I am unsure of the source of my present despondency. It could be related to the death of my cousin, Larry. It could be related to the various losses I have suffered over the past several years. It could be, as Trish suggested, the bottle of (my feelings) overflowing: every emotion kept inside, breaking out.

I realize that my analyzing—my attempting to identify the source of my wretchedness—is counterproductive. If I were to advise some other person who is experiencing what I am now experiencing, I would suggest that that person allow the feelings to flow and, as Kylee suggests, go with it. Then, as Kylz commented, when I am ready, I will learn the reason for what I am feeling. My reasoning and adult self tells me that is on target. The sad little kid within me just asks “why” and wants my sorrow to come to a quick end.

At this moment I have decided to listen to the comments that the good folks made on yesterday’s post and, as T.E. wrote: Allow (my) self the time and patience (my) grief may demand.


  1. Have you considered the possibility that the problem is physical rather than emotional or spiritual?

    I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Hang in there, buddy.

  2. Thanks, Thomas. I am hanging in as best that I can. No, I haven’t considered the physical possibilities. One friend who is feeling somewhat like me at the moment has suggested our melancholia may be the result of not seeing the sun here in Louisville for a couple of days. I don’t know.

  3. I stopping by to see how you are feeling. Your analyzing may not help, but I know just feeling the pain does not help either.

    As Thomas write: Hang in there, my friend.

  4. Hope you pull out of your melancholia soon.

  5. The suggestion made by Thomas sounds valid. If this keeps up, you may want to have a doctor check you.

  6. Abby: Thanks, Abby. I have hung in there and am feeling much more positive and optimistic.

    Pokermom: Thank you! And thank you for the email card you sent me.

    Azsonofagun: Since I am feeling much better, I don’t think I’ll contact my MD for an emergency appointment. However, I have called him to set up a check up—just in case.