Monday’s Jokes on Tuesday

Since 7:30 Monday morning I have been attending a week-long seminar that includes homework. Yesterday evening I was exhausted. Today I feel a bit better, so here are the best of the jokes I received in my emails last week.


An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."


There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn’t understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”


A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced… for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."


In an effort to determine the top terrorist fighting agency in the country, the president narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the LA Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest down, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The LAPD went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"


A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."