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Monday, April 17, 2006

Monday's Jokes

Not many jokes were emailed to me last week—perhaps because it was Holy Week? So I am posting all that I received rather than only the ones I judge as the best. Enjoy—may they bring us laughter, because I certainly could use some today!


Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"


Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter?"

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong! You are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."


A woman opened her refrigerator and saw the Easter Bunny sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The Easter Bunny replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes."

"Well," the Easter Bunny said, "I'm westing."


John says, "I have some good news and some bad news The good news is Christ is risen."

Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?"

John, looking around, says, "He's pretty pissed about last Friday."


A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


10 comments:

  1. That's the best version of the "dead hare" joke I've heard (seen)! Love the one with John and Peter too :)

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  2. The one about the bruised arm was one I hadn't heard - funny. I had seen the last one about the two chocolate bunnys - but it's still funny. :) ec

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  3. Never saw that cartoon before. It looks like my house yesterday!

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  4. I'm sorry Nick. I haven't got around to emailing you any. I'm crap. When I relocate my head (which actually contains my brain) I will get around to it.

    xxx

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  5. u got a lot of easter jokes didnt u

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  6. I appreciate the one about the 3 blondes trying to get into heaven. The third blonde reminds me of my ex-wife.

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  7. I heard the blonde one years ago but as a Polish joke. That one about John and Peter is killing me.

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  8. Little Sister—Making the “dead hair/hare” joke into an Easter joke was someone’s inspiration.

    I had a theological conversation about the John and Peter joke with a colleague this morning. We agree that Jesus wasn’t pissed off about being crucified that was always in the cards), but her certainly may have been annoyed by the majority his followers hiding out while he was hanged (even though Isaiah foretold that it would happen).


    Mreddie—I hadn’t heard the one about the bruised arm either; nor had I seen the cartoon of the chocolate bunnies, which look exactly like what used to happen to the real thing on Easter around my house.


    Abby—Hey! That’s what I just said about my house. I suppose chocolate bunnies all suffer the same fate.


    JD’s Rose—Hey! You ain’t crap! You’re a neat woman. Email as you can.


    Jody—Yes, I did receive almost all—or was it ALL?—Easter jokes last week. I even have received a couple thus far this week.


    Azsonofagun—I’m glad I never met your ex-wife. I have enough problems with a part oriental brunette we both know.


    Limpy—I suppose jokes take many variations. I had heard it relating to “3 dumb guys.” I agree about the John and Peter dialogue. Theologically (as noted above) I think it may be accurate.

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  9. So glad you had that "bunny cartoon" i had it on my computer and after you made the bunny comment on my blog, i wanted to send it to you!!

    LOL, my fav is the Peter and John...too funny!

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  10. Michelle—I probably had that cartoon in mind when I made the comment on your blog! Small world isn’t it!

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