Sexual Abuse: A Rule of Thumb

“I suspected something was going on for years. I asked her. She said I was crazy. I asked him. He said the thought was outlandish. I began to feel as if I were insane. I read very magazine article I could find—you know, in Red Book and Ladies Home Journal and stuff like that. I just couldn’t believe it was happening.”

That conversation took place about thirty years ago. We were sitting in my office in the county south of Louisville. The woman, her husband, and her daughter had already been interviewed by the social worker to whom I had assigned the investigation and the investigator for the Commonwealth Attorney’s office. At this stage of the investigation I had no doubt in my mind that the girl had been sexually abused by her stepfather. But her mother still had doubts and that is why se asked to speak with me.

Back then—thirty or so years ago—it was difficult for most people to believe that sexual abuse—incest in this case—took place. Perhaps the taboo was too powerful in their minds—or maybe they built up a strong sense of denial. Whatever it was, people had difficulty believing a parent or a stepparent could have sex with a child. And that was true even for the non-abusing parents, such as they woman sitting in my office. She had seen the indications of incest—the warning signs she had read about in the various magazines. However, it was a grim thought that she did not want to accept. And when both her husband and daughter told her that her suspicions were crazy and outlandish, she was relieved.

What broke the case open and led to our receiving a report of the possible sexual abuse was the girl herself. Later, in a seminar, I learned that there are stages in which the victimized child goes through in rationalizing the abuse and the roles of the abusing and non-abusing parents. It has been a long time since that seminar, but—to the best of my recollection—the stages were something like this in the situation of father (or stepfather) incest with a daughter:

1. He is doing this to me and I don’t like it and she won’t protect
me.

2. He is doing this to me and I don’t like it and she doesn’t
care.

3. He is doing this to me and I like it and I’m better than
she is.

4. We are doing this and we don’t need her.

In this specific case the victimized child was probably in the second stage. He stepfather had been giving her all sorts of gifts, including a pony to ride, to buy her silence. He had also been doing his best to isolate her from her peers and friends, even to the point of moving to a new county and forcing her to change schools.

From the standpoint of the girl, she liked the gifts and special treatment she received from her stepfather. However, she also began to wonder about their sexual relationship. In junior high school, when other girls were giggling and whispering about “boys” and kissing and petting, she found herself left out. She realized that none of the other girls talked about have sexual intercourse, much less having sex with their father. So she was silent during these “girl talk” sessions and eventually began to avoid them.

By the time she reached the tenth grade, she began having romantic interests and fantasies about boys her own age. He stepfather recognized this change in her and that jealousy of boys her own age—and probably the fear of discovery—is what led him to move the family to another county. It was not long after than move that the girl informed a school mate about the incest. The school mate informed her parents, who were savvy enough to make a child abuse report to us.

The girl’s mother was shocked by our investigation and by the removal of the girl from her home. That is what led her to speak to me. She did not want to believe it, even though she had herself observed the warning signs and confronted her daughter and husband. By this stage of the investigation, the child had already provided details of the abuse to my investigating social worker and law informants officials. So asked her mother: “Who do you believe? Do you believe your own instincts and your daughter’s statement? Or do your believe your husband’s denial?”

And replied, “I really want to believe that nothing happened. I want to believe my husband. But you know, now I can’t.”

In the comments made to yesterday’s post, Bruisedegosmashedsunnysideup wrote: “Survivors of abuse who survived a particular time when reports weren't taken seriously are truly amazing, especially when they go on to lead fulfilling lives despite their past.” I agree, because I was investigating sexual abuse during that time. And, I fear that, even today, with so much more documentation and data regarding sexual abuse in all of its forms, many people continue to deny its existence.

Back then I developed a rule of thumb: Believe the victim until she/he is disproved. I think it was a good rule thirty-some years ago and remain a good rule of thumb today.