Monday, July 10, 2006

Monday's Jokes

Below is what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my email during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on this Monday, my goal has been achieved.

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favourite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and as I approached, there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed: "Lord, it's up to You; if You want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking space for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, on the eighteenth time around the block, there it was: a parking space directly in front of the bakery! God is so GOOD!"

BREAKING NEWS: George W. Bush Presidential Library Destroyed by Flood

The rain that has flooded Washington these past two days has destroyed what would have been the start of the George W. Bush Presidential Library...

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The rising flood waters reached the presidential bathroom where the books were kept. Both books have been lost.

A presidential spokesperson said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer...

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you can read this - thank a teacher!

In the state of political correctness, nobody is a "liar" they are simply "verbally superfluous". No one is a "housekeeper," they are "domestic engineers." See how we can apply this "game" to the many activities of our cats:

My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key.
My cat is not a "shedding machine"; she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator.
My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective.
My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic; she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged.
My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, and then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only think one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going die tomorrow ... can only think one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips, you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"


  1. Hey! That first one about the bakery is NOT a joke! It is a blessing.

  2. Hello Nick ~~ I enjoyed yor jokes,
    thanks for sharing. I will worry about a new film coming out, when that happens. Now if I could stop my kids, and grandkids buying me things, I would have more room. Cheers, Merle.

  3. Where do you get all of these from?!

  4. Love the ants on the ball:)

    Those are some jokes, Saint Nick!

  5. Too funny. The first joke reminds me of my situation. My GYM is located right besides a "Doncun Donuts" a Chinese restaurant, and the most delicious kosher deli PLUS a beer and soda store.

    Guess which ones I go to the most? Yeh, my alcoholism and love for food wins out all the time. I'll work out tomorrow!

  6. I copied and emailed the GWB one right away to Phil. That was GREAT!!