Monday's Jokes

Below is what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in my email during the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on this Monday, my goal has been achieved.

P.S. ~ I note that while I was working today my visitor counter went over the 25,000 mark.


PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies: Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"

"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"


A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning. Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"


Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"


One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark. He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there, too; don't be afraid.”

The little boy opened the back door a little and said, "Lord, if you're out there, please hand me the broom."