Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Finally! Here are the Best Jokes from Last Week's Emails

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale at Wal-Mart, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He saunters into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room, completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow."


To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you’re not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can keep the bloody duck!"

Click to enlarge the graphics below:


  1. Can I assume that you're wearing a 'hat' today?

    Oh LAWD! These were the funniest yet! Loved this. I needed a laugh today.

  2. Nick, these are so funny! I especially like the sure fire way to get a ticket, and Mrs. Moses is hilarious, too.

  3. Thanks for the laughs Nick-

    all good ones:)