Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

Here are what I consider the best jokes I received in my emails last week:

WORDS TO LIVE BY:

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. Your friends love you anyway.

38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.

39. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a complaint of pains all
over her body. 

 "Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing to some
of the places that hurt. 

The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, "Ouch!"
then her finger to her hip and said, "Ouch!" and then to her rib
cage and said, "Ouch!" again. 

The doctor stopped her and asked, "Were you a blonde before
your hair grayed"? 

 "Why yes!" she said excitedly, "But how did you know?" 

 The Doc answered, "Your fingers broken."

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
“You're beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. 

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later hiseyes fluttered open and he said
“You're cute!”

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful”
it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? 

His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!” 

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was
the world's first professional. 

The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have
helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to
create Eve, the first woman?" 

"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord
needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and
the world." 

"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days
from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat
that must have been to create the whole world into an organized,
civilized place from utter chaos?" 

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer. 

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door
of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain
terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door
in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and,
in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it,
and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced
back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,
she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson,
when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really
need to move your cat."