Monday, February 19, 2007

T.B.I.M. Humor & Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

WINTER ( a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre)
"SHIT It's Cold ! "
The End


To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children..

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog: "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

A blonde, a red head and a brunette board a double-decker bus to go to London. There are two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.

A couple of hours later it's the red head's turn so she Walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's wrong?" the red head asks. "We're having' a grand old time down below."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a Driver."

Question: "What proof do you have that Iraq has Weapons of Mass Destruction?"

Vice President Cheney: "We kept the receipts."

A minister gave a talk to the Lion's Club on sex. When he got home he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!"

id you know racecar spelled backwards is racecar?

Who says NASCAR isn't educational?


  1. Very funny Nick. I especially liked the blonde joke!

  2. Okay, the winter poem is dead-on! And I like the pet and non-pet owning visitors rule. ;)

  3. I always have suspected that Halliburton had something to do with those weapons of mass destruction. But, then, I am a conspiracy addict.

  4. I laughed out loud over the Winter poem...

    Thanks! :)

  5. You brought laughter into my life again, Rev. Nick. Thank you (again)!

  6. ROFL at the winter poem...I couldn't stop laughing after I read that at the start! lol Thanks so much for sharing these Nick, they certainly bring much needed laughter this cold dark evening:-) xox

  7. I always try to come by and read your Monday jokes. The laughs are so good.

  8. Those were good, especially the winter poem. Very apt right now.

  9. Nick, you get all the best blonde jokes!

  10. Thanks for the funny jokes. I am happy that I found you!

  11. I believe that I know the minister in that joke!

  12. The pet rules were a joke.

    Shit! Thats a fact of life for me.

  13. The poem is just brilliant. Thanks for the smiles and laughs!


  14. All very good. I love the pet rules. I have dog and cat diaries over on my blog if you care to drop by.

    Racecar/racecar is amazing!