Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know, Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and I’ll pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? Aahh—don't worry about that—it's no big deal.

Elvis - Jesus Similarities:

Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)

Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)

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Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.

Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

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Jesus was part of the Trinity.

Elvis' first band was a trio.

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Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)

Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

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Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.

Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

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Jesus was resurrected.

Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.

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Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)

Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

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Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.

Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

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Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)

Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)

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Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)

Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

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"[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."

(Matthew 28:3)

Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

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Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.

Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

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Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.

Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

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Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.

Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

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Jesus was the lamb of God.

Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

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Jesus' Father is everywhere.

Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

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Jesus was a carpenter.

Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.

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Jesus wore a crown of thorns.

Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

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Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.

Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

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No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for.

No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".

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Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.

Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

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Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."

Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy thought a moment and then replied, "Beer and blonde women with big boobs."

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.