AMAZON

Monday, July 23, 2007

Monday's Jokes & Humor


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

A Blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial-insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?" So the rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial-insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of Cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.....right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the Cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on.”

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed,

"Bring me my brown pants!"

One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbour's daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming, I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Within the hour, the neighbour's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am, I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"








And, finally, this is why no one was blogging this past weekend:

15 comments:

  1. So, it's Harry who has stolen our friends, eh?

    P.S. I took a quiz. I am the Green Lantern? Sheesh. You'd think I could at least be a girl!!

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  2. And now I'm Donald Duck as well. I can't win with these things!!

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  3. I can totally understand the world in the last cartoon!

    Great jokes, Nick. What a wonderful way to start the week.

    Take care.

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  4. Hi, I came upon your site on another blog. Those jokes were funny and I'll definately be checking out here again.

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  5. Hi Nick ~~ Good jokes, thanks for the
    smiles. Glad you got your schmooze award logo on OK.
    I was interested to hear that you were at the same Seminary that Reverend Reinhold Niebuhr was. Did you know him personally ? Did he write more than the Serenity Prayer?
    Take care, Regards, Merle.

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  6. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  7. The geezer crossing sign hit a little close to me on a given morning. :) ec

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  8. hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

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  9. I'm laughing at all of them, but the American who married the Aussie is best.

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  10. AHHHHHHHHHHH HA HAHA HA HA HA! These are great, Nick. And I think you're dead on with that last cartoon. I know I got my book but sadly haven't started the blasted thing yet because I have to finish the book I was already reading first.

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  11. Hey Nick, you've just been awarded the "power of schmooze" award at my blog.

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  12. Another great bunch of jokes, Nick. I love the last one particulary. It was pretty quiet in blogland over the weekend. I just finished my Harry Potter book ... it was great.
    Take care, Meow

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  13. Side-splitting jokes, Dude!

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