Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

All of the following kitty photos were emailed to me by my friend, fraternity bro, and (briefly) apartment mate, Rudy:

A Cat’s (read: Alex’s) Reminders for his Human Servant

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.

2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.

3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only retrieving the cat toy 20 times.

4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to chase.

5. I will not ask my master to chase a boomerang.

6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and let my master outside as soon as he asks me to.

7. I will get rid of the dogs who live next door.

8. I will not tell my master to “stop it” when he's kicking litter on the floor while searching through his litter box.

9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).

10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.

11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.

12. I will not leave my master at home alone at any time.

13. I will share everything I eat with my master.

14. I will allow my master to stretch out on the couch (the bed, my chair, etc).

15. I will protect my master from those obnoxious little human things that visit us.

16. I will not hide my master's catnip ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it and then ask him to go get it himself.

17. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.

18. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as his "collar."

19. I will not cut my master's nails.

20. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".

21. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.

22. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.

23. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.

24. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.

25. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he hid earlier.

26. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which he courageously killed into the house and chew on it on the living room carpet.

27. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.

28. I will remember: a cat’s bladder is not large.

29. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.

30. I will not run out of treats.

31. I will {roast a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master every Christmas.

32. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

33. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.

34. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows around the nexk of my master.

35. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master as he claws at them .

36. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.

37. I will not chase my master around yelling “Come here, you dumb cat!” when he is socializing with other felines.

38. I will always carry cookies and kitty treats.

39. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".

40. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my master might need to make a quick exit to meet other cats in the yard.

41. I will only feed my master Friskies Fine Cuts for Cats, even though he only licks up the gravy and abandons the “meat.” (NOTE: I added this one for Alex).

A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.

The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."

"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."

"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.

About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"

"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.