Monday, October 01, 2007

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

NOTE: As of 12:45 PM, EDT, 1 OCT 07, several graphics that are part of this post are not appearing. (Perhaps Google/Blogger is having problems)
~ R.G.F (West Virginia)

“After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.” ~ Ronnie Shakes ~ NF, (Louisville, KY)

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR??(instrument flight rating)?conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

~ P.B. (Nebraska)

Military Warnings

ACTUAL MILITARY WARNINGS, can you believe it?

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."-Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --U.S.A. Ammo Troop

~ D. F. (Louisville, KY)


~ R.G.F (West Virginia)

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "

~ R.K.S.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

~ R.K.S.

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

~ M. C. (Wexford, Ireland)

FYI: Alex has a new post on his blog:


  1. Oh, dear. One of my relatives was quoted in that military bit.

    I say stupid shit too.

  2. Love the Military father was in the Army...he could probably relate to a lot of that.

    What fabulous cat photos...poor little puss with the leg in plaster.

    Well, life's back to normal after the wedding and I can get back to my usual days.

    Thanks for your comments during the crazy time, Nick. Hope all is well with you.


  3. Nick,

    Your comment in the first part about wives controlling their husbands is spot on.

    I'm not married myself, but too many times I see that after blokes get married, they misplace their priorties. Their wives do not allow them time for important matters, like playing sport, drinking with their mates or keeping important posessions like that motorbike.

    Maybe I'll understand one day if I get married and start a family.

    In Korea, where I am living at the moment, the balance of power in marriage is much different than western countries. Men drink or do what they like until all hours. Women don't like it too much, but most seem to put up with it.

    Regarding the talking parrot, the world's most famous talking parrot, Alex, died last month at age 31.

    His last words to his owner, Irene Pepperberg, "You be good. I love you. I love you. You'll be in tomorrow?"



  4. My favorite bit of military wisdom came from a poor evlauation of an officer

    "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of a sense of morbid curiosity"

  5. them all - the one about the wife and the broom was funniest :)

  6. I can always count on you for a good Monday laugh or 12. My particular fav it the "You're Screwed" computer error. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha!

  7. Poor little kitty! I wonder what the squirrel did to him? :(

  8. I am in hysterics over the wife/pilot!
    I also posted some funnies today!
    All of these were so funny, but the wife/pilot....

  9. Andrew might like to consider that I live in a country where the men seem to have "the power"

    I was recently given some marriage advice by the local women....

    " Lie to him, take his money, fuck somebody else."

    Marriage doesn't work unless there is mutual respect.

    Things being what they are this tends to mean that marriage doesn't work. LOL!

    BTW loved the invisible tandem.

  10. I love LOL cats! Especially the one that had the squirrel run-in.

  11. There have been weird things happening on the Internet today: graphics disappear and the reappear on my post; attempting to connect to several blogs brings up the message that they don’t exist when I know they do; Bloglines won’t load or list my feeds. Add to that an Alex who is very needy this evening for petty and such, and I have decided to take time to respond to comments (with my housemate and blogger buddy, Alex, sprawled on my desk beside me).

    PHISH: That doesn’t say much for your relative. Actually some of those military teachings are quite true (from my limited experience) and quite necessary: "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." My idiot of an ex-father-in-law had a grenade go off in this hand when he was in the army, for which he was awarded a 40% disability.

    Be back in a bit. No I must meet the needs of a needy cat.

  12. Crazy cat’s driving me up a tree.

    PUSS-IN-BOOTS: If your dad was in the army, I’m sure he’d enjoy those. They were emailed to me by a Vietnam vet who at some point while he was there determined that everyone above the rank of corporal was looney-toons.

    I’m glad alls back to normal after the wedding. Weddings are like Alex: they can drive one up a tree.

    JODY: Thank you, Jody. You’re one the first people who ever commented on Nick’s Bytes and I’m so glad you still come around.

    ANDREW: Yo, dude, not my comment or words. Just a joke someone emailed me. And that someone was a retired FBI agent who has a great marriage.

    NATALIA: Always, think you, my dear!

    LIMPY: I heard rumors about that OER (Office Efficiency Report) when I was any army officer. I wonder if that guy went to war and was fragged by his men? I wouldn’t doubt it!

    Alex wants to go outside. I’m going to post this and be back later.

  13. Alex is outside for the moment.

    LITTLE SISTER: I’m glad you saw the broom before it disappeared. That was one of the graphs that went WOOSH! Hmmmm. Could the ex-wife have put a spell on it?

    CRABBY: I wonder if posting those fake error messages is what caused all of the Internet problems I’ve had today?

    ANDI: I especially liked that one and would ask what the kitty did or tried to do to the squirrel.

    LITTLE WING: I’ll see if the Internet will allow me to visit you and your funnies tonight.

    CATHY: I agree: marriage doesn’t work without mutual respect. I hope Andrew learns that before he weds.

    SQUIRL: As you know (‘cause I emailed it to you and then you emailed it to Bucky) I thought of you as soon as I saw that one.

    OK! If there are no other comments to which to respond, I’m gonna see if the Net will allow me to visit to other blogs before needy cat scratches on the door to come back in.

  14. Lots of laughs today. I, too, really like the poor kitty who had a run in with a squirrel.

  15. Liked the ones about selling the motorcycle and the wife's flying lessons the best - much chuckles. ec

  16. Great selection of humour as usual Nick, thanks for cheering up my morning.

  17. Those are just as funny on a Tuesday morning as a Monday and I needed to laugh more today than yesterday.

  18. That top motorbike joke,
    it wasn't so much a joke for my b.f.
    It was the final straw for his wife
    and his marriage ended
    went out and bought a bike after she said no
    then she said go,
    she mean't it.

  19. Funny, especially the flying.

    I've heard some of those one liners from my military son. Especially tracers work both ways. Wish I could remember some of the others he came up with.

  20. Your graphics are fine from this end.

  21. Made me laugh out loud. I love the military ones and the Error messages - especially the Windows, we haven't made an error in 30 minutes one.

  22. That last cat picture is hilarious!

    The army stuff was too bloody true—funny, but too true.

  23. Love them all especially the kittie cast (for some reason) and the broom one. I did not see the broom coming. And making a living with computer for 29 years now, those are wonderful. They need to be incorporated into the next release of windows.