Monday, November 05, 2007

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." ~ P. B.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" ~ R

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son. ~ J. K.

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
This is when you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex.
This when you get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

~ P. B.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." ~ M. C.

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is what my mommy has: just four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".

The teacher fainted. ~ R

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." ~ R.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where 's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,so another dog is pushing her home." ~ R


  1. Hi Nick ~~ Enjoyed the jokes and it is good to laugh. Thank you for the Churchill story ~ a good one.
    The rain was really great. Thank you for prayers for John, I hope he won't have to have any more at least for a while. Take care, my friend.
    Best wishes, Merle.

  2. Can't stop giggling, it sure is good medicine, thanks for sharing..

  3. Reading your posts on Mondays always cheer me up a bit. I loved the firetruck and the whale swallowing a human -- I can't wait to tell me plus-one, Dan, those!

    Have a great Monday!

  4. I think I might be heading towards "hallway sex"

    Care to vote for raymitheminx for me?

  5. Happy Monday Nick!

    I enjoy coming here for laughs every Monday. Hope you're doing well.

  6. Cartoon of computer hookup is almost a bad as mine. Funny jokes. Thank you.

  7. Thanks for your comments on the "Body Count" poem. I too am addicted to British mysteries. Have you ever read English-born, Canadian author, Peter Robinson? He's one of my favourites. I do love a good Ruth Rendell or P.D. James, but I'm open to new authors.
    There's a new poem today - even stranger than the last (I'm going through a phase).


  8. Warning: I am going to say The word "genatiles" in this comment.

    Funny jokes Nick, here's one to add to the bunch:

    A guy walks into a bar with a small alligator tucked under his arm.

    He puts the alligator on top of the bar and announces to everyone that he will stick his genatiles in the alligators mouth, allow the alligator to close it's mouth for two full minutes and then open the alligator's mouth, removing his genatiles, unharmed.

    In exchange for this feat, each person in the bar must then buy him a drink.

    Everyone agrees, so the guy opens the alligators mouth, puts his genitiles in, gently closes the alligator's mouth, orders a beer, waits two minutes, hits the alligator on the head with the empty beer bottle, the alligator opens its mouth, and the guy removes his genatiles unharmed.

    About the time the first drinks start rolling in, the guy announces that he will give twenty dollars to anyone in the bar who wishes to attempt the same feat.

    Nobody volunteers at first, but finally, a small woman stands up in the back of the bar and raises her hand.

    The woman relunctantly says, "I guess I'll try it."

    "But you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."


  9. Sometimes, my friend!
    You are MASTER!
    Great work. Good text and good pictures.
    Thnak you. Have a good wek and good luck.

    David Santso

  10. LOL...we can ALWAYS use a good laugh on Mondays!


  11. Thanks for voting for raymitheminx even though she is the devil.
    yes, she is 700 votes behind because some of her haters are voting for the boring political blog to purposely make her lose.

    Any other votes are appreciated.

    Can you come back and vote for me , I was nominated for top sexy blog award
    I shouldnt even be in this category

    wait till they find out I don't have any smut on my blog, I will be banned

    If you vote for me
    will it be against your religion?

  12. Santa, I am feeling a slight ripple in your direction of the fabric of the cosmos. Perhaps my sensing systems are askew but let it be known I am detecting something and it is significant.

    Sending "light".
    I am.


  13. Most entertaining, Rev Saint. (I see you used several of the ones I emailed you. I am honored).

  14. Ah, those jokes rounded the day off nicely, thanks Nick.

  15. You've succeeded again, St. Nick -

    thank you for the laughs! :)


  16. Thx for the chuckles!

    I wonder if we could come up w/3 more types of sex to round it off to 10? ;)

  17. Nick...I LOVE you!!!! Not only do you give good, sound advice on my kids, but you make me laugh, and I soooo needed that today. thanks!!

  18. The 7 kinds of sex made me laugh out loud. Hilarious.

  19. Thanks Nick, you made me laugh as always. Hugs, Laurie

  20. awww poor kitty. I am owned by 2 (indoor) cats they also own 3 very large dogs. I hope Alex will forgive you soon and be back to his regular charming self

  21. oh my word this was funny!!!
    love the cats as always!