AMAZON

Monday, November 19, 2007

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes






In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'" ~ C G


Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," a student wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." ~ R


A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law." ~ R


A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise." ~ L M


Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"


"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the Doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"
~ J S


A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL." ~ R


"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" her father asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from." ~ A M


One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too." ~ M C


KATZ





SESAME STREET THANKSGIVING

27 comments:

  1. Oh no, Big Bird's been sacrificed for Thanksgiving! How could you, Nick...and invite all the other characters to see the corpse all naked on the table. Do they know they've to eat him??

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  2. It was about time somebody did for that bird!

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  3. The cats had better improve their grammer unless they want to join him!

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  4. Ahhh, that's better. now I've taken my temper out on the cartoons I don't have to upset anybody else.

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  5. Side-splitting jokes, Dude!

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  6. hehehe...loved the turkey pic! Have a good Monday...and Tuesday...:o)

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  7. So, did she have golf clubs or not? Cheers Nick!!

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  8. Im grateful to you for the amusing start of Monday

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  9. Love the turkey with the lamp shade on his head.

    ~Oswegan

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  10. As an Irish Catholic who has an aunt who is a nun, I enjoyed the one about the guy who said to send his bill to his brother-in-law. I am going to tell it to my aunt when I see her at Thanksgiving. Thanks Nick.

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  11. LOL I needed a good laugh and you provided it!

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  12. I like Big Bird...
    I've just ordered Sesame Street
    dvd's for my little ones...aaaaah

    you have a great inbox; I get sent most of the twee stuff with the occasional very very naughty one hidden in between

    I've just read your bathroom drama blog... not sure I would have been as relaxed as you in the tub knowing there's a mouse about :>)

    have a great week

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  13. I always wondered what kind of bird Big Bird is - I mean, I've never met another bird with those weird little rings around his legs.

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  14. And just think- that's my remedy- a bartender as my psychiatrist and he also prescribes my meds----a Ketel One dry martini w/extra olives! mmm! :D Better than lithium!!!

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  15. Heehee, I always have to tune in for your Monday jokes, Nick. They never fail to brighten my day. Happy T-giving to you and Alex.

    hugs,
    Laurie

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  16. I once dated that Irishman. :D

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  17. Brilliant humor, as usual, Rev Saint. Have a happy Turkey Day.

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  18. Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," a student wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." ~ R

    good one!

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  19. Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," a student wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey." ~ R

    good one!

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  20. Hi Nick ~~ I agree with your last commenter ~~ thankful not to be a turkey. Also the poor duck in the vice. Thanks for your comments and
    wish for a not too hot summer for me. Well it was 42 C today ~ about 103 F and it's not even summer yet.
    Take care Nick, Best Wishes, Merle.

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  21. I've always been a fan of the Sesame Street Thanksgiving, and I lurve the first lolcat -- I want to steal that kitteh!

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  22. those were hysterical!!! thanx dude!!!

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