Too Bad It’s Monday: The Best Jokes I Received in Last Week’s Email

I received lots of jokes in last week’s emails. So many that I was able to post some of them in last Friday’s blog post, It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas, Part III. Here are some more for you to enjoy:

A Cat Owner’s Guide to Wrapping Christmas Gifts

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.

7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.

14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.

15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.

16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.

17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.

18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.

19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.

22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.

24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.

25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.

26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.

29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.

30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.

31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)

32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.

33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.

34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.

36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.

38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.

39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

[The following joke seems to show up every Christmas; still, although I’ve heard it in various forms year after year, I love it]

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where you want me to stick the tree this year?"

And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........

A Cat’s Favorite Christmas Carols

10. Up on the Mousetop  

  9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas  

  8. Joy to the Curled  

  7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus  

  6. The First Meow  

  5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful  

  4. Silent Mice  

  3. Fluffy, the Snowman  

  2. Jingle Balls  

  1. Wreck the Halls!  

One day George was betting on the ponies nearly losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest who had stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse (a very long shot) won the race.

George was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, though another long shot, the horse won.

George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse. George bet on it and won!

George was elated. As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses and it always came in first. George began to pull in some serious money and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the bank and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. George placed his bet -- every cent he owned -- and watched the horse come in last. George was dumbfounded!

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I've lost my life savings thanks to you!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants."

"You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

KATZ