Too Bad It’s Monday Jokes on Boxing Day

Boxing Day: (December 26^th) The holiday celebrated in Commonwealth countries, particularly Australia, Canada, and New Zealand, on which servants, tradespeople, and the poor traditionally were presented with gifts. Explanations for the origin of the name have varied, with some believing that it derived from the opening of alms boxes that had been placed in churches for the collection of donations to aid the poor. Others, however, have held that it came from the boxes of gifts given to employees on the day after Christmas. According to this theory, because the work of servants was required for the Christmas Day celebrations of their employers, they were allowed the following day for their own observance of the holiday. Boxing Day is not celebrated in the United States, perhaps because Democrats continue to foolishly believe the U.S. is a classless society and Republicans are too cheap to give presents to their servants.

Below you will find the best of the humor I have received in my email over the past week. Enjoy!

All I Needed to Know About
Life I learned from Santa

Encourage people to believe in you.

Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.

Don't pout.

It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.

Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.

Make your presents known.

Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.

Bright red can make anyone look good.

Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.

If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

Whenever you're at a loss for words, say:
"HO, HO, HO!"

Christmas Differences Between Republicans and Democrats

* Republicans say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"

* Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.

* Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.

* Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.

* When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a "Bud."

* When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.

* Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

* Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids. Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.

* Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.

* Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."

* Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.

* Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season. Democrats do too, all year round.

* Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.

* Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls." Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas." Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."

* Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree. Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.

* Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

* Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians." Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.

* Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus. Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.

A Doggy Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's
mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fencepost,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland

10 Signs that You Purchased the Wrong Christmas Tree

- - 10 –

- Two feet tall, forty feet wide
- 9 -
Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
- 8 -
It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers
- 7 -
While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride.
- 6 -
Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it.
- 5 -
Keeps heckling your lame top ten list
- 4 -
It's very small and says "air freshener" on it.
- 3 -
Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
- 2 -
Some guy named Mujibur puts a crappy Statue of Liberty on top of it
- 1 -
Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

'Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,

Every creature was hurtin' even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;

Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while

Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,

I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;

The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox

Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.

Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Targets', now Penny's and Sears

Here's Visa, and Master Card, and one for the Beer.

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,

Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.

He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,

Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,

"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT........YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. -- George Carlin

The Cat's Favorite Christmas Carols

10. Up on the Mousetop

9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!




KATZ