Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

"When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

"The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

All of the presidential candidates were asked who they were rooting for in the Super Bowl. Here are their responses:

McCain: To deviate from the question, I think it is a great thing for the state of Arizona to have the Super Bowl played there.

Obama: The enemy of my enemy is my friend, and I hate Manning for beating the Bears, so New England... Wait, it was a different manning who beat the Bears... Oh well.

Romney: Patriots, duh!

Huckabee: God doesn't believe in football.

Clinton: I'll be rooting for the Giants, but I'm a Patriots fan too.

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say Fuck, the Rottweiler bit him!"

What is your cat saying?

Take a few minutes to take this simple quiz to see how well you know your feline friend.

Your cat sits in front of you and looks lovingly in your eyes.

Is s/he saying:

a) I adore you
b) I can outstare you
c) If you ever get your lazy butt out of that chair, maybe I can get fed.

Your cat bumps his head against yours.

Is s/he saying

a) You are my bestest friend
b) Will you play with me?
c) If I bump this hard enough, maybe it'll break open and tuna will fall out

Your cat brings you a mouse with its head missing.

Is s/he saying

a) Here is a present for you
b) I am a mighty hunter, stroke me
c) This would look better surrounded by tuna

Your cat licks his paws.

Is s/he saying

a) Instinctively grooming itself
b) Bored
c) Getting ready to cat-slap you if you don't give him some food soon

Your cat sticks his paw under the bottom of the door and frantically waves.

Is s/he saying

a) Imaginary mice are fun!
b) Please open this door
c) If I can build up these biceps, I can open my own cat food cans

Your cat rubs against your leg.

Is s/he saying:

a) Showing you affection
b) Trying to get your attention
c) Trying to push you into the kitchen where the food is kept

Your cat runs ahead of you and then rolls on his back.

Is s/he saying:

a) Rub my tummy
b) Catch me if you can
c) I am so exhausted from hunger, I can only run 2 feet at a time

Your cat backs up to your best piece of furniture and sprays.

Is s/he saying:

a) This is mine! I must mark it!
b) I had a little extra pee I didn't know what to do with
c) Follow this smell to the kitchen cupboard where the food is kept.

Your cat rubs his whiskers against your hand.

Is s/he saying:

a) Showing you he loves you
b) Petting himself
c) Trying to push your hand into the can opener

Your cat chases a moth in the air.

S/he is:

a) Instinctively honing his hunting skills
b) Exercising
c) Showing you he is insane with hunger and will eat ANYthing.

Your cat swishes the water in the toilet.

Is s/he trying to:

a) Just have a little fun
b) Catch a quick drink
c) Show you that he can always snag a tuna swimming upstream if you don't feed him soon

Your cat poops outside the litterbox.

Is s/he saying:

a) This box is too filthy to poop in
b) This looks like a good spot to poop
c) See how little I have to poop, you better feed me!

Your cat sleeps by your side, purring contentedly.

Is s/he saying:

a) I love and adore you
b) I just want to stay close to you
c) I'll be the first one to know when you're awake so you can feed me

Your cat sits in the window and stares at the birds.

Is s/he:

a) Thinking about how beautiful birds are
b) Wishing s/he could catch one
c) Mentally telling you that bird-in-a-can would go great with Pounce Treats

Your cat sleeps in a discarded cardboard box.

Is s/he:

a) Lying where s/he feels safe
b) Feeling all cozy
c) Showing you what size coffin to buy if you don't feed it soon

Your cat munches on your house plant.

Is s/he saying:

a) mmmmm..good
b) I love to upchuck this stuff
c) I'll eat every damn thing in this house that doesn't move if you don't open a can of tuna soon. Feed me!

Your cat paws at the TV screen.

Is s/he:

a) Chasing moving images
b) Bored
c) Trying to pull out the Whiska's lady through the screen to feed him.

Your cat waits and meows at the door when you arrive.

Is s/he saying:

a) Hello, I missed you!
b) The stupid dog ate the plant and vomited.
c) Did you catch some tuna? Feed me!

Now your cat meows at the door when you go out.

Is s/he saying:

a) Please don't leave me here all alone.
b) Adios.
c) Hey you! Slave! Pick me up a can of tuna while you're out

Your cat digs its claws in your leg.

Is this:

a) Primal hunting instinct.
b) A "love tap".
c) Testing to see if you are tender & "done".

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed:

Is s/he saying:

a) Let me out, I need to use the sandbox.
b) I want to go out and roam.
c) I wonder what's to eat next door?

Your cat rolls on his back in front of you.

Is s/he saying:

a) Please rub my tummy
b) Aren't I cute?
c) I am having seizures from lack of tuna. Feed me!

Your cat is sound asleep in the window.

Is s/he thinking:

a) Nothing, he's sleeping
b) Ah, this sun feels good
c) Can't you tell I've fainted from hunger??! Feed me!

Scoring the Quiz
Mostly a : You are your cat's slave.
Mostly b : You are onto your cat's ways.
Mostly c : Give your cat the car keys and let him go buy his own damned tuna!

KATZ