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Monday, March 24, 2008

Too Bad It’s Monday: The Best Jokes I Received in Last Week’s Email

Added 04:01, 24 March 2008

U.S. Military Death Toll in Iraq Passes 4,000

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Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. Enjoy!




A 95 year old man was walking down by the pond in late spring. He heard a frog talking to him. The frog said, "Pick me up, kiss me and I will fulfill your every wish." So the old man picked up the frog, slipped the frog in his pocket, and walked on. The frog said, "Why haven't you kissed me?" The old man said, "At my age, having a talking frog is more interesting."








What do you call a brunette sitting between two blondes?


An interpreter


A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?


The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race was developed."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom', how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says they were developed from monkeys."


The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family while your father told you about his side."




A new believer is overwhelmed with the unknown power of the Almighty. He ventures to the top of the highest hill near his house and screams out "Lord, you are so awesome and majestic, what is a million years to you?"

A Voice calls down, "A million years, a million years is like a second!"

"WOW, that is so awesome! Lord, what is a million dollars like to you?"

The booming Voice says, "A million dollars, it's like a penny!"

“Wow,” the man says. He's silent for a moment and then he says "Lord, can I have a penny"

The Voice replies. “Sure, in a second.”


This guy walks into a bar, orders a drink and tosses it into the bartender's face. Then he apologizes profusely, after which he repeats the same behavior twice more. After he apologizes for his "bad habit" the third time, the Bartender throws him out of the bar and says, “Don’t come back without a note from a psychologist that says you're cured!”

Six months later he returns with the note. He gets his drink and tosses it into the bartender's face.

The bartender yells, "What’s the matter with that psychologist? He said you were cured!”

"Oh, I am" the guy replies. "Doesn’t embarrass me anymore!”




A husband came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.

He showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally said to him, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said, "What?"


A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"


CLICK TO ENLARGE

Daughter: My friends and I want to go out tonight.

Mother: Where ya'll going

Daughter: To that cowboy bar on the edge of town.

Mother: I don't think you should. There's been an awful of trouble at that place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and some people got hurt.

Daughter: But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay.

Mother: No!! Your life is more important than going out!

Daughter: But "Tina" is coming with us...

Mother: Oh! Well in that case...Y'all have fun!


PASSPORT:

KATZ




24 comments:

  1. Simply wonderful Nick. I loved the lousy hair cut and of course Tina. These were all great as usual. Thanks for a pick me up.

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  2. It's not Monday here yet, Rev Saint, but now I'll face it with a smile. Thank you.

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  3. Great humor! I cannot stop laughing at that last lolcat!

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  4. Good jokes. An outstanding prayer. May we all become peacemakers.

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  5. The prayer is similar to one found in (I think) the Rig Veda. Someone expanded it a bit. I like it.

    All the news reports concentrate on the 4,000 dead Americans and all the money we spent. They seldom mention the 1.2 million Iraqis who died, or the 2 million who fled the country, or the 4 million displaced internally. They count, too.

    Changing gears drastically, I liked the Haircut joke and the Tina joke. I'm on dial-up, so when I first read the Tina joke I thought, "Where's the punch line?" Thirty seconds later the photo popped up, and it all made sense!

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  6. Excellent collection - am reading them at the airport so good way to pass the time. Especially liked the Kate Moss one at the end.

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  7. I like the video clip! Thanks for the laugh.

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  8. Tina sounds like someone I'd like to know.

    I tried to email you this to you this morning but I must have an outdated address for you.

    Can you send it to me please?

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  9. Been reading your Monday jokes for years now and I think they get funnier each week. How do you do it. Nick?

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  10. Where on earth do you get them all from Nick? ROFL

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  11. ` OMG! I liked ALL the jokes this time! I think that' the first time that's happened anywhere there's a long series of jokes. That's a compliment, right?
    ` Some of them I liked a whole lot, especially the Grandma's Pie one! Whaaa haaa haaa!

    ` PS, did you see what's happened to us?

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  12. ` PPS how did that link get... oh, never mind.

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  13. I had forgotten it was Monday!
    The catz make my day though! So funny. Hope you had a good weekend. Thanks for the chuckles! Tina is a big girl isn't she!

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  14. What great jokes! I'm so glad I stumbled across your site.

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  15. It's always good to live with a prayer for peace in our hearts - along with much laughter.

    Thanks for the beautiful prayer. May it be so.

    And thanks for the laughs, too!

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  16. As always, a fine Monday assortment. That cartoon with the lady looking at the greeting cards made me spit my tea. I wonder if she reads at my place.

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  17. It is almost Tuesday but not too late to share in your Monday humor, Rev Saint. Thank you.

    Nor is it ever too late to pray. I add to the pray you published one from my part of the country:

    O Great Spirit of our Ancestors,
    I raise my pipe to you.
    To your messengers the four winds,
    And to Mother Earth who provides for your children.
    Give us the wisdom to teach our children to love,
    to respect, and to be kind to each other
    so that they may grow with peace in mind.
    Let us learn to share all good things
    that you provide for us on this Earth.

    Pease, my brother.

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  18. Thank you for remembering.

    The Canadian reports:

    According to U.S. media reports, there are well below 5,000 U.S. soldiers who have been killed in Iraq. However, this data appears to be very misleading. Why? Because many tens of thousands of American soldiers have apparently been killed to-date, as a result of being exposed to radiation poisoning from the indiscriminate killing machines of U.S. military weaponry. Ironically, the only Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) that Americans soldiers have found in Iraq are “Made in America”.

    U.S. investigative researchers have discovered an official U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs official, but not well publicized count, of 73,846 U.S. soldiers who have perished as an apparent result of Depleted Uranium based bio-chemical warfare exposure. This exceeds an estimate of 58,000 U.S. soldiers who had been killed in relation to the Vietnam War.

    Well over 200,000 American soldiers could be killed by 2010, as a result of the after effects of exposure to U.S. dirty bombs.

    Over One million U.S. soldiers have apparently been disabled from Depleted Uranium based biochemical exposure. Over one million Iraqis have also been documented to have been killed.

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  19. Thank god you're here, Nick. After seeing seeing the youtube of cheney saying "so?" to the fact that 2/3 of us want out of iraq...i needed this!



    cat

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  20. I'm with the beaver! ;)


    And that's one helluva' waistline on that cat! Mamamia!!!!!!!!!

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  21. Thank God Monday only comes once a week. LOL. :0

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  22. I like cats like that last one - they catch very few birds.

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