Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes

Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week, including cartons and a video. Enjoy!

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

“The pub telephoned and said you left your wheelchair there again.”

A girl from the south and a girl from the north were seated next to each other on an airplane. The girl from the south, being the friendly type, asked the northern girl, "So, where ya from?"

The northern girl replied, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the south sat quietly for a few moments and then blurted, "So, where ya from, bitch!"

What do you call a red dance hall in Rio where the chorus line dances with snakes??

A vermillion Brazilian reptilian cotillion pavilion.

A 5 year old looks at his dad while the family is eating Sunday dinner. "Dad, how come you don't have any hair on your head."

"Well, son, grass doesn't grow on a busy street."

The son responds, "It doesn't grow in concrete either."

Still in a body cast and in his hospital bed, a man was telling his visitors from church how he happened to wind up in such a predicament.

"Well I took my wife car shopping, but nothing was appealing to her. After an exhausting day of test driving every imaginable car, I asked her just what was it she was really looking for?"

She said, "I want something that goes from zero-to-two hundred in 6 seconds flat!"

So I bought her a bathroom scale!

What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth.

Two guys walking dogs meet and, wanting to continue their conversation, go into a restaurant. The hostess says we don't allow animals. One guy says, "This is a seeing eye dog."

The hostess says, "Oh, o.k., come on in."

The 2nd guy says, "This, too, is a seeing eye dog."

The hostess says, with incredulity, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy responds, "Is that what they gave me?"

KATZ



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