AMAZON

Monday, March 31, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes


There were lots of jokes and cartoons in my emails this last week. O hope that this post isn’t overwhelming! Below are what I judge to be the best of the humor I have received in my emails during the past week. Enjoy!






The Feline Diet

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!


DAY ONE

Breakfast: Have your human open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 cents per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your human's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your human tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that your human bought as of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Have your human open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from human’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your human’s pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your human placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Whine until your human opens another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card, and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.


A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"


The little boy replied, "Sure,... just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new Preacher in town and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Aawww, come on; you don't even know the way to the Post Office!"




The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.


"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."


During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."


At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.


A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for one hour. When you open the trunk, see which one is happy to see you!




I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid

of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,

when in reality, they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along;

the one who's brave enough to climb

all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men............................ Men are like a fine wine.
They all begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the living crap
out of them until they turn into something acceptable

to have dinner with.




A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down. Not knowing anything about cars, she started to walk. A mile down the road, she came to an old country farmhouse and knocked on the door until two young men came out.

"Kin we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about mile back. I wonder if you could drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"Well, now, the town's all shut up right now and don't open back up until tomorrow mornin'. But ah'll tell ya what, miss, mah brother here an ah'll tow yer car over to the farmhouse and you kin spend the night here with us."

The woman thought, "Well, I really don't have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself," so she agreed.

After the two brothers towed her car back to the farmhouse, and they were getting ready for bed, the first one said, "Yah know, miss, we only got one bed in this here house, so ah'm afraid ya'll have ta sleep with us."

The woman thought about it, and consented. As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said, "By the way, you DO have protection, don't you?"

"Protection? What's that?"

"You know, condoms."

"Well, what're they for?"

"It's so I don't get pregnant."

"We're simple country folk, miss. Ah'm afraid we don't know about those things."

"Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on."

"Hmm... well, all right."

The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car repaired and drove off. About a month later, the two brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set, when the first one said, "Hey, d'ya remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?"

"Yep. She was real good, weren't she."

"Yep. Say, do you care if she gets pregnant?"

"Nope."

"Well, then, let's take these durn things off!"


An Oklahoma Commissioner for Environmental Quality stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation, based on the Water Rights bill recently passed."


The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."


The Water representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..... "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"



KATZ







Super Grannies
video

23 comments:

  1. Great hokes! Hurray for the super grannies! Loved the Gorden Lightfoot song!

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  2. I came early today because I must be on the road by 8.30. I don’t have time to read all of the jokes, but I will be back. I have copied and printed the cartoon of the cat who has the guy’s teeth to take with me to Lexington.

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  3. My Monday morning funny fix....now I can get to work :)

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  4. The cat diet had me gasping for air I laughed so much!

    I love Monday's because you always manage to make me LOL. :)

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  5. It's grand to begin Monday with a smile! Thanks.

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  6. Ah, it's the fault of my fillings, i see!

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  7. Thanks for the smiles, Nick.

    I haven't been able to comment on some of your recent posts, so I just want to say that I'm sorry about the insurance thing and I hope that you get your tooth taken care of soon. I enjoyed your list of things about you.

    I just posted a thank you to you on my blog.

    Thank you again! You are a kind, thoughtful man and I'm glad that I have met you even if it's only through blogging.

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  8. The cat diet might work for me...just reading it made my stomach churn!
    I do try to stop by for your Monday morning humor. :)
    Thank you for the Meme. I enjoyed yours and played along over in my little world. C'mon over and have a cup of tea! :)

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  9. Love the camouflage kitty slipper.

    And I believe if I pursued the Cat Diet, I would be permanently in The Zone.

    But in all of the silliness, I'm heartened to see a little wisdom creep in. The men-as-grapes metaphor. That one has the others stomped, feet down.

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  10. hmm. Thinking i may have to start the kitty diet..

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  11. hysterical! i just love the cat diet!!!

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  12. That video is empowering even though as a granny I would not do what either did.

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  13. As always, thanks for the laughs Nick! Love the Gordon Lightfoot song, too...

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  14. Thanks goodness Monday's almost over! LOL.

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  15. Oh I love them all but I think I am going to steal the CRAZY routine and use it on my boss. I am going to try for an abbreviated Derby this year taking half a day off on May 1st and make it down that night in time to see the ventriloquist I wrote about in a previous post. Then take that Friday and the following Monday off. I hope I can be that CRAZY. A mini Derby is better than no Derby.

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  16. Closing out the day on a laugh is a great way to end a Monday.

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  17. Excellent selection, Rev Saint, eve though the super grannies were a bit violent in the way of the wild west.

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  18. Funny stuff. I see you used two of the jokes I email you!

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  19. Thanks Nick!:D

    Love Gordon Lightfoot too -

    & love the one about men being like fine wine...

    Omigoodness!!! LOL!!!

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  20. Now I know why my diet doesn't work! I must track my puke across the rug.

    Thanks for the tip mate. I owe you one!

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  21. Great stuff Nick...Cheers to you and Alex!!

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  22. I think I love the cat diet. Throw up on clean carpet. Although, the last time I got a stomach virus, I really didn't lose weight like I hoped!

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