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Monday, May 19, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad Its Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God Its Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.




Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products




Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!




Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.




Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!




Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?




Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.




Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!




Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.




Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends to the next floor.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want > more.'! So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking


"Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework



Mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong romantic streak



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street:

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.




Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say.....
'Bridge Out?''




You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.

Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Your family prays AFTER they eat!



Does Your Cat Own You?

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do you scoop out the litter box after each use?
Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?
Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?
Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap?
Does your cat sign the card?
Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't disturb the sleeping cat?

At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in their wallets.)
When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?



Voted Best Casino Ad:


video


KATZ



30 comments:

  1. Hello Nick! Many thanks for all of these. I'm laughing out loud and getting lots of funny looks! If only they knew!
    Loving the lolcats as ever. Have a great day!
    x

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  2. LOL I love the TBIM concept!
    Thanks for starting my week with some laughs!

    Peace

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  3. I'd heard some of those before including the store one - but I'd not heard the make version - very good!

    Cats as always make me laugh.

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  4. Hey Nick... that last LOL Katz photo... I think it's Alex's soulmate! A cutie, too!

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  5. Thank you for again giving me a Monday morning smile to begin the week.

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  6. Hilarious! As usual! Thanks for giving me some midday laughs.

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  7. I missed my Monday morning ration of TBIM, so I caught up at lunch. I will carry my smile with me the rest of the afternoon.

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  8. Excellent... my friend, excellent...
    have a nice week

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  9. Fantastic jokes! Thanks.

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  10. Nick great jokes.I swiped the happiness is a warm puppy.that one is just so cute,I could not resist doing so.

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  11. Nick all classics, and thanks for commenting on my post yesterday.
    It has been a tough thing, and I am just crushed at what this Pastor wrote to me.
    I love the Husband and Wives Store today as well as The Blonde's Diary, hilarious.

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  12. The end of that video surprised me into uncontrolable laffing until my sides hurt.

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  13. This Monday's jokes were a hoot!As to the Does Your Cat Own You questions, I'll only admit to one or two!

    Keep well!

    Renie

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  14. "Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!"

    You may have heard that there's a serious archaeological theory that beer was one of the primary drivers for the initial founding of civilization in the Middle East and Asia Minor. I swear I did not make that up, it's a real theory, and it has quite a bit of merit. Look it up!

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  15. Great laughs. I especially love the cat stuff.

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  16. The cats are funny and adorable.

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  17. Hi Nick!

    Just loved the jokes... Particularly the Husband's store and its rival Wive's store. How uncomplicated we men are. Aren't we?

    The cat sure is cool, lying on the laptop.

    Cheers!

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  18. Thanks for your comments and no i wont work too hard!
    Chris wont let me do anything too strenuous anyway!
    Pol x

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  19. I love this, you are so making my day!

    I'll post this evening, and then you'll understand why I needed to laugh till I cried!


    Thank you!

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  20. LOL. I actually believe exercise can be bad for your health. For example, my friend was out jogging the other day, and tripped on a pothole, sprained his ankle, and had to go to the emergency room!

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  21. Hi Nick ~~ Love the Monday jokes, thanks for sharing them,
    Also thank you for your kind comments. I hope you are keeping
    better. Take care, Regards, Merle.

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  22. Thank you thank you thank you for the laughs! (Yesterday was a holiday here, so this Tuesday morning feels remarkably Monday-like. I needed humour!)

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  23. Hi Nick,
    I have a "Very Special Award" for you. Come on by and pick it up.
    http://mondaymorningpower.blogspot.com/2008/05/very-special-award.html

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  24. LOL @ 6th floor of the hubby store!!

    cute kitty pix, too! =)

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  25. OK so you get double eyes in the comments... ever feel like someone is watching you?

    Loved the jokes. Gosh that was a FULL post, full of laughs too!

    Thanks for that.

    Jennifer

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  26. These are really good. I love the list about "Do you" for cat owners - and most of the time I do! Aaarrgh!

    The finding the perfect husband / wife is really good, as are the photos - especially this last one.
    Brilliant. Thanks for the laugh!

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  27. okay... i admit it- my cats own me!
    i love the blonde's diary... lol!!

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  28. I laughed out loud at blonds diary and 8 lifes left, you're not rid of me yet.

    The puddy tat on the laptop keyboard.....adorable!

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