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Monday, August 11, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.








East Coast Driving Rules

- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

- Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

- It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

- Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

- Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.



McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"


A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying: they received 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out—all from the same person.


Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively about there bright futures as the cream of the crop. They continued talking about how great it was to be a Harvard grad as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."


One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"

God replied, "Go on Adam but be quick. I have a world to create."

So Adam says, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well, Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."






A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"



Miss Piggy's Advice on LOVE

o A good place to find a date is under “Eligible Men” in the Yellow Pages.

o If you place an ad in the “Personals,” Moi has only one word of advice: lie.

o The definition of an eligible man: He’s breathing.

o Who should ask whom out? As long as he’s paying, who cares?

o Your future together holds such promise. Why ruin it by telling him your plans?

o Only time can heal a broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs.

o How far should a girl go on the first date? Tucson. However, if you live in Texas, you can probably go a bit farther.



What you May Not Know about CATS


- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic!



Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"


This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."


The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."


"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars

.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose... they've pulled their collars off while they were playing."


"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.


After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"



KATZ












Funniest Cat Video (I have seen these clips before; still, they give me lots of laughs!)


21 comments:

  1. I love that cat video, too, Nick. Like you, I've seen it several times, but it never fails to crack me up.

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  2. Thank you, Nick, for my Monday morning smiles.

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  3. love that cat video, so funny!

    have a great week!

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  4. btw: i'm visitor 100325, who was 100000? did they let you know?

    congrats!!!

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  5. I had never seen the cat video before. That was great!

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  6. Heee-larious, cats have staff tee-he....

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  7. I LOVE your Monday Morning Post. I always giggle. Thanks.

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  8. The "baby sitting" and blonde puppy jokes cracked me up!

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  9. very good jokes again... I nearly wrote goof...

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  10. Puss-in-Boots: I just happened upon that version of the video clips the other day while following a link a friend emailed me to another video. I watched it 3 times in a row and the 3rd time was no less funny than the first.

    China Girl: You are most welcome. Putting together the Monday posts has become for me not only a habit but a time of laughter to which I look forward.

    Sweets: Thank you. I have no idea who the visitor #100,000 was! See my post of August 8.

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  11. Carol: I am so glad I could introduce you to those crazy cats! (That and similar videos have explained to me a lot about Alex’s behaviors).

    Queenie: Yes, cats have staff. As the only servant of Alex I can attest to that!

    von Krankipantzen: Thank you. I get to laugh at the Monday morning stuff when folks email the jokes to me, again when I select and add them to the post, and again when I edit and reread the posts!

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  12. Professor: I found both of those hilarious, too. I’ll admit that the first time I looked at the baby sitting on the cat, I didn’t notice the cat!

    mutleythedog: Thank you! I have written goof for good many times in my life. Sometimes I catch it and sometimes I dunt!

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  13. Hey Nick, exactly which of those "East Coast Driving" items do you think apply exclusively to the East Coast? I've seen all of that behavior everywhere I've ever been, which is pretty much everywhere in the U.S.

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  14. Awesome, as always! The olive joke & the church sign cracked me up - thanks Nick!

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  15. Great catz - especially the video! :) ec

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  16. Damn. My ribs hurt even more after watching that video.

    So worth it!

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  17. Baba Doodlius: You drive? I never saw a bird drive!

    Well, since that list of East Coast Driving habits was emailed to me by a friend who lives in Connecticut, I have no idea about other areas of our great nation. I just post what I receive.

    It has been about 3 years since I last drove on the east coast. I have only ridden with one east coast driver and she—driving my car—scared hell and heaven out of me! Based on that experience, I suggest that she evinced 3 habits from that list:

    - Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
    - Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
    - - Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

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  18. Tug: You are most welcome! More to come next Monday!

    Mr Eddie: Thank you. I have been watching and watching that video ever since I found it.

    Phishez: Thanks! Please don’t break a rib!

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  19. Very funny - you gave 3 of us laughs this morning! And the civil disobedience LOLCATs? That's Cleopatra (not really, but I'm just sayin').
    Yes, I know it is Wednesday. I'm just catching up.

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  20. funny stuff! - that video's a hoot... hope none of the kitties were actually hurt, tho.

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  21. lurv the funnies nick.
    oh, erm... i stole the "what you might not know about cats" for my furry masters' site...
    :D

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