Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.) Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

By the way: jokes are arriving in my email faster than I can post them on Mondays. At the moment I have 27 pages of jokes in Microsoft Word, about 85 graphic and photo jokes, and 598 LOL Cats for the KATZ section of Too Bad It’s Monday. Any suggestions? Should I double Monday’s jokes post? Maybe post jokes—and especially KATZ on a second day each week? Continue as I have been for the past three plus years?

To stop a bullet.

It’s a solder’s job they say.

And so you stop a bullet,

And then they stop your pay.

Should I write my Congressman?

Each Congressman has two ends:

A sitting end and a thinking end.

And since his job depends upon his Seat,

Why bother?

~ Yip Harburg, Rhymes for the Irreverent

The Wisdom of H.L. Mencken

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in.

I write in order to attain that feeling of tension relieved and function achieved which a cow enjoys on giving milk.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?"

"Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?"

"That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary.

"I'm here now, aren't I?"

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so often, "Lord I hope I'm sick!"

After about the 5th or 6th time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

The company’s owner was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

10 ways to know if you have PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving - call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled The Meaning of Dreams.

Economic Stimulus Payment

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to
Taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A: Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money, for example, to
purchase a high-definition TV, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klotschstein diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klotschstein."

KATZ