Monday, October 06, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.) Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

First Date

I like sex. It gives you the feeling that you’re working together for a common goal: his orgasm. ~ Sarah Silverman

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Well, we even use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway and rolled up on the green.

As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"

The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing," his mother asked?

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%. A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks if his family is pleased.

The man says, "Oh, I haven't told them about the hearing aids yet. I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!"

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

It was their fifth anniversary, and Al and Alice had just returned from the movies.

Alice was feeling romantic. 'Will you love me when my hair has turned to silver?' she crooned.

'Why not?' Al replied. 'Didn't I love you through four other shades?'

Sign in repair shop:

Hourly rate: $10.50
Hourly rate if you sit and watch: $12.50
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, and comment: $25.00
Hourly rate if you sit, watch, comment, and help: $50.00

Did you know that when the U.S. Department of Defense refers to a "manually powered fastener-driving impact device," they are talking about a hammer.

When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words!!)

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers:

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response to Shaw.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


Squirrel Obstacle Course


  1. Oh Nick! You really do brighten my weeks with these. I love em. Keep em coming!

  2. I love those insults...and you're right, they have far more impact than four letter words and middle finger exercises. Oscar Wilde is a classic for insults. My favourite quip of his is: Losing one parent is unfortunate; losing two is downright careless.

    Love the video of the squirrels...clever little buggers, aren't they?

  3. Lots of good ones, but you knew I'd love the squirrel obstacle course, right? :-)

  4. fun fun fun till my daddy took my t bird away !!! Sandy

  5. The insults were awesome but I loved the Bill Gates joke the best.

  6. Great insults!

    Kitties and dogs have the neatest roofs to their mouths. (10th kitty photo down) (Why do we call it the "roof of our mouth" when it's more like a ceiling?)

  7. Clever insults! I'm still smiling about the golf joke....

    Have a great day, Nick! :)

  8. I've heard the Groucho line before- but I always smile when I hear it. :)

  9. phishez : You are most welcome! I’ll keep posting ‘em as log as folks keep sending ‘em to me.

    Puss-in-Boots : I love the insults, too. When I read them in the email I not only laughed a lot, but felt melancholy for the days when folks really took words seriously. I remember when I was much younger and often played the humorous cynic in response to the absurdities of my friends. I fear that today the majority of folks who not understand the comedy in my words.

  10. Squirl : You are so right! I immediately thought of you when I first viewed the video and knew that I had to post it immediately in Monday jokes. You know it’s strange: Alex often chases squirrels when he’s outside. He has never caught one, but he still loves chasing them

    Sandyland: Oh, Sandy, I’m sorry your dad took your T-bird away! Still… there is lots of fun in the Monday’s humor to help make up for it. [:-)

  11. Sassy Mama Bear: The Gates joke was good. Have you had a lot of Windows crashes, too?

    Carol: I one had a audio tape cassette of the words of Winston Churchill. I was amazed at his comebacks and tried my best to imitate him. I never could. One of my favorite Churhillian quotes is: I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

    I think cat’s mouths are fascinating… especially since my thumb has spent so much time inside of Alex’s when he has confused it with his momma cat’s nipple.

  12. kcinnova: I love the golf joke. It has such an absurdly cynical sound to it.

    Thomas: Groucho had a way with words that I have always admired.

  13. Great - I laughed - you succeeded!

  14. As always, THANK YOU for the laughs Nick - awesome!

    "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard

    I need to print that out for my 'boss'. ;-)

  15. I appreciate the Monday jokes, even though I didn't get to finish reading them until Tuesday.

  16. All very good but I love the obsticle course at the end.

  17. excellent! digging the insults...have got to try them out on some choice people tomorrow ;)

  18. I like sex. It gives you the feeling that you’re working together for a common goal: his orgasm. ~ Sarah Silverman

    mwhhhhhhhhhhahahahahhaa that's brilliant :)

  19. Love the use of language.
    Love the Katz. Thanks Nick.

  20. Here's an exchange involving Abe Lincoln I remember from years ago(paraphrased - I don't remember it THAT well):

    Abe: "You're a lovely lady."
    Lady: "And you are the ugliest man I have ever met."
    Abe: "That may be so, but you could have displayed some tact and lied, like I did."

  21. sorry i been scarce... i do love you rmonday posts!