Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.) Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

This happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro, Kentucky, a small town on the banks of the Ohio River, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's indeed true.

An out of state traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barley see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life. He was certain the ghost car would go off the road and into the river, and he would surely drown! But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, frightened nearly to death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran through the storm to the nearby town. Wet and in shock, he went into a lighted tavern and with voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and then, shaken, he told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence came over those listening. And everybody got goose bumps. They realized the guy was sober and was telling the truth. And the sounds of the storm continued outside.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, Look Billy Bob, there's the idiot that rode in our car while we was pushin' it in the rain.

A Few More Reasons Why Some Pets Hate Halloween

One day, when a golfer was playing golf, some tourists pointed and yelled 'Tiger Woods!! Tiger Woods!!'

The golfer was happy for a split second... before a tiger came out of the woods and ate him up.

This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, “Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?" ~ Conan O'Brien

MENSA INVITATIONAL DICITIONARY

Mensa once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered from a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action

13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out .

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And, the pick of the lot...

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. He orders a drink and the barman asks, ”Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?”

The man replies, ”It’s a long-running family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday.”

To which the barman remarks, ”Then I have some bad news for you - it’s Wednesday.”

Sheepishly, the man says, ”Oh dear, I must look like a real fool!”

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?'

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We no longer call it The Cockpit'

KATZ