AMAZON

Monday, November 10, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor






In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.





Classes for Men

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.




It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class."


Q & A

Q Why did the guru refuse Novocaine when he went to his dentist?

A He wanted to transcend dental medication.



Q How many racists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A None—they don't want to be enlightened!


The Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy




1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot..

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm..


8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember: if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.


A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh.

At the check-in, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Amsterdam."

The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that!"

"Oh really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew your airline!"



How to Rid Your Cat of Fleas


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really, really heavy."


KATZ














Einstein the Parrot

(with thanks to Kittee83)





24 comments:

  1. Thank you for the funnies!

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  2. The best, Nick! What a great way to start the week...

    Love the classes for men! :D

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  3. Wonderful! I love the parrot!

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  4. There was so much I loved today but Einstein almost brought me to tears. Have a good Monday Nick.

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  5. You should be on the stage, very funny Nick.....

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  6. I always need the Monday funnies! LOL! Too much!

    I did get dumbfounded by the blood and her love for a good beer. WOW!

    Impressive!

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  7. Unrelated question: How do you get the RSS feed blogger blogroll that you have on the right? I no longer can add or delete from "Blogroller" or whatever the name is that I have. Is this from Blogger? I just need some techy advice. I'll be bOcK!

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  8. You had some good ones this week, Nick! :)

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  9. That was GREAT!

    R.I.P., Miriam Makeba.

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  10. Lots of good ones, especially Einstein.

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  11. aaaahh cute stuff Nick.

    Thanks for my Monday injection of humour!

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  12. einstein's the best! but, i think if he was here, truman would probably eat him...

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  13. These are some of your best, Nick. I appreciate the Miriam Makeba video. She will be missed by many. And Einstein is quite a bird!

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  14. Wonderful as ever Nick! My son and I are crying with laughter here! Thanks!

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  15. Loved these! Garfield is right: laptop computers can never replace cats on laps! Einstein is really amazing performer!

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  16. Awesome Reverend!

    They crack me up every time,

    Blessings of laughter and love,

    M

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  17. Great Post,as usual. R.I.P. Miriam Makeba.

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  18. It warms my heart to see how far around the world, the power and beauty of Mama Africa reached.

    I check your Monday jokes EVERY Monday - they make my week! Being a South African and seeing a little of SA (even if it's our grief), on a blog that's not South African gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside!

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  19. I loved the courses for men... brilliant


    hope all's good in your part of the world


    lotsa luv ann xxxx

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  20. "I can't has a cookie?" Awww, have you ever seen anything so sweet? Doesn't he look like he's going to cry?

    Sir anoys alot is good too. And the heavy rottweiler.

    Great as always, nick.

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  21. I loved "This was a waste of my climbing abilities".

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