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Monday, November 03, 2008

Too Bad It's Monday (T.B.I.M.) Jokes & Humor


In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.




An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"


The teacher asked Martha, “If you had seven cookies and George asked you for three, how many cookies would you have left?”

Martha immediately answered, “Seven!”

The teacher was puzzled and asked “Why seven?”

“You really think I would give George any of my cookies?”


Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.

"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"

"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.

"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.

"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.

"No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.

"No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.


Children's Science Exam Answers:

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things fo r keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.




At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said that the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.


A minister was asked to dinner by one of his church members. He knew she was a bad housekeeper but agreed. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.


She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit uncomfortable, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"



Cat Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.


I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.


I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!



KATZ











Yes, that kat above is Alex, with caption by Kitty Justice


Sofia’s Great Escape





16 comments:

  1. Happy Monday, Nick!

    Did Alex write the Cat Prayer?

    I love Sofia's indomitable spirit.

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  2. Nick, I love the kids' science answers. Especially the five bowels.

    And the kitty pictures are a great thing to look at at the beginning of the week.

    Cast my ballot a little over a week ago. Here's hoping my swing state swings in Obama's direction.

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  3. The kids science answers are just too funny!! :)

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  4. Loved the pics Nick! The hamsters in the car is brillaint!
    oh and the mouse and the cheeses! teehee!

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  5. We must get the same e-mail because I saw most of these last week.

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  6. If there's one thing I've missed during my absence it's your humour
    posts. Hope you and Alex are both well...I'm back!

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  7. Great laffs here, Nick! Thank you.

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  8. Hi Nick ~~ Some great funnies again. I liked the one about the man's wife thought he was with his mistress and she thought he was with his wife, so he was free to spend all his time on the computer. I hope that you are keeping well and like the rest of us will be glad when this election is over. I can't believe how long it take in the US. We have only about 6 weeks of debate and campaigning over here.And we complain about that. Our voting is compulsory, Take care, my friend, Regards, Merle.

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  9. Wonderful jokes! I found the Sofia video very inspiring.

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  10. that cat prayer wonderful- I will vote and my mouth will be open as the last 8 years saying "I told you so""

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  11. Great funnies again Nick - thank you for my injection of humour.

    Love the "vote or keep your mouth shut..." :)

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