Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Special Prayer Request:

Mark, who authors the blog Cancer Is Killing Me - I Will Never Give Up! is in hospice. Rebecca wrote today’s (Monday) blog post and ends with the words Please kick the prayers into high gear. I am putting this in God's hands. 

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. The question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A COWBOY’S GUIDE TO LIFE

Never squat with yer spurs on. 

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. 

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. 

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. 

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. 

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. 

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. 

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. 

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. 

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey. 

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment. 

Always drink upstream from the herd. 

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly. 

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. 

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. 

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. 

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was. 

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. 

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: This, signed it, and turned it in.

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''

The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

Two blondes standing outside in a parking lot next to their Mercedes trying to get the door open with a close hanger.

The first blonde said, “You need to try harder! It’s starting to rain and the top is down!”

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

ATM Messages You Do Not Want to See

You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try again to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.

You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.

You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.

You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.

You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well." 

KATZ

Achmed the Dead Terrorist Sings Christmas Carols