Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

 

Sarah Silverman: Early Standup Routine

Do you remember when...

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'

'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'

'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'

'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'

'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'

'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.’



'WHERE is my SUNDAY paper!?,' the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, inquiring about her Sunday edition.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow....on Sunday.'

There was a long pause on the other end of the line, followed by a ray of realization as she was heard to mutter, 'Well, crap! So that's why no one was at church today!’

"Barack Obama is on vacation in Hawaii right now. And today many newspapers carried pictures of a shirtless Obama playing in the ocean. Did you see that? Yeah. So as you're thinking of things to be thankful for this holiday, remember, that could have been a shirtless John McCain." ~ Conan O'Brien 

"The White House staff has been briefing Barack Obama's team on a series of worst-case scenarios that could face the country after President Bush leaves office. That's the latest. Yeah. Apparently, the absolute worst case scenario is that Bush doesn't leave office." ~ Conan O'Brien 

"Insider tip. How many folks still have cars? Anybody here still have a car? You know, you can turn them in, take them in to Washington and they'll give you your money back. And Ford Motors, by God, Ford Motors is working on a brand new car called the Fusion. It's a hybrid and runs on a combination of gas and bailout money." ~ David Letterman 

"One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats." ~ David Letterman 

"The shoe-tossing guy in Iraq, you know, he wrote a letter to President Bush and he apologized. He said, 'Dear president Bush, I'm sorry I threw a shoe at you.' And I was thinking, wait a minute. When is President Bush going to apologize for invading Iraq?" ~ David Letterman 

"It was so cold in Alaska, somebody is putting chapstick on a pig." ~ Jay Leno 

"President-elect Barack Obama and his family are in Hawaii this week. To which President Bush said, 'You know, I prefer spending my Christmases right here in the United States.'" ~ Jay Leno 

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview on '60 Minutes' on Sunday that, if the Constitution allowed it, he would like to run for president. Yeah. Yeah. There's a switch, a Republican being stopped by the Constitution, when does that ever happen?"~Jay Leno 

"The largest donor at the Clinton library turns out to be Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Well, some critics argue that such close financial ties to the Mideast could be a conflict of interest. However, Hillary Clinton says she will not advocate Arab policies. Except, you know, the practice of stoning adulterers." ~ Jay Leno 

"NBC is showing, once again, the classic movie 'It's a Wonderful Life.' See, it is so different today. See, when they made that movie, back then, the government actually asked banks to account for what money was missing." ~ Jay Leno

Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth: 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called ‘sexual intercourse’. It's called ‘bunk beds’, and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.' 

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.' 

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal

And God was pleased. 

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail . 

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.' 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. 

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased . . . . . ..

And Dog was happy. . . . .

 And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other....

 

KATZ