Too Bad It's Monday (TBIM) Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. 

"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded. 

The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: "You know the person that did this really needs help."

General Gordon had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern. 

The general yelled at a passing sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that darned sniper?" 

The sergeant looked down at the general and replied: "I guess not, general. We're afraid that if we kill him the enemy will replace him with somebody who really knows how to shoot."

NEVER LET YOUR MOM COMPOSE YOUR WEDDING INVITATION:

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. 

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. 

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. 

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." 

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. 

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?" 

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball." 

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. 

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny. 

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." 

"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."

The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.

He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's shouting, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have the deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

After the above drawing was marked and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note: 

Dear Ms. Davis,
I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me.... selling a shovel. 

Mrs. Harrington

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"

"It’s a mongoose."

"What have you got that for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" 

KATZ










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