Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

Thanks, folks, for all of the neat comments you left on my birthday!

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved. 

The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" 

The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." 

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

Laws & Such

Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

MUTUAL ADMIRATION

"Speaking of the Common Man," said Lincoln,
    "God must love him."
And the Common Man, he must love God—
He made so many of Him. 

~ Yip Harburg, Rhymes for the Irreverent

As the woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects. She pointed to the dining room and said with great satisfaction, “That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth.” 

“Oh, that’s nothing,” the maid interjected. “My whole living- room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth.”

You know you’re growing older when…

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway. 

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. 

- You feel like you really hung one on the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight. 

- You get winded playing chess. 

- Your children begin to look middle-aged. 

- You join a health club and don't go. 

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm. 

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet. 

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions. 

- You look forward to a dull evening. 

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!" 

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't. 

- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist. 

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday. 

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

KATZ