Monday, March 02, 2009

Too Bad It's Monday Jokes & Humor

In the spring of 2005, shortly after I began blogging, I began posting the jokes I had received in my previous week’s email under the title Too Bad It’s Monday (T.B.I.M.) as the reverse of T.G.I.F. (Thank God It’s Friday). So again I am going to share with you what I consider to be the best of the humor I have received in the past week. You may not agree with all of my choices, but if even one joke brings you a smile on T.B.I.M., my goal has been achieved.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, And if I had all the Gin in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The hymn-leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but then lost one and became a conductor.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

A man, visiting San Francisco, noticed a musty curio shop, which seemed to be forgotten by time. It seemed very out of place in the busy city. The man's curiosity was piqued, and he entered the shop. The store didn't seem to have much traffic, and the shelves were full of dusty, but interesting items. The man found himself strangely interested in a rather ugly brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. Ugly it was, but he had never seen anything like it -- it was so incredibly detailed, and life-like. He asked the shopkeeper for a price.

The man was pleased to learn that he could acquire the rat for only $5, and he handed the shopkeeper the money. But, before giving the man the rat, the shopkeeper sternly warned him, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won't take it back under any circumstances."

The man thought the warning was curious, given that the rat only cost $5. Even if he decided he hated the rat, that was hardly an amount worth worrying about. He agreed to the shopkeeper's terms, and left with the rat.

At first, everything seemed perfectly normal. But as he walked back toward his car, the man started to hear strange rustling noises around him. Then he saw a live rat scurry out of an alley, and start to follow him. Suddenly, rats seemed to be appearing all around him, streaming out of sewers and dumpsters, all following him and milling about his feet.

The man began to run, but the rats kept up in increasing numbers. The man realized that he was being chased by literally tens of thousands of rats. The ground came alive, as the rats swarmed behind him.

The man suddenly realized the significance of the shopkeeper's warning, and knew what he had to do. He turned toward the bay, and ran as quickly as he could toward the water. When he reached the waterfront, he threw the brass rat as far as he could into the bay. The rats raced past him, following the brass rat into the water, where they drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and upon seeing him enter the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, no refunds. I don't want trouble here. The sale was final, and you can't return the merchandise."

The man smiled, and replied, "Oh, I don't want to return the rat. I just want to know, do you have a brass lawyer in stock?"

When the family car developed a slight knock, the husband asked his wife if she had bought regular or premium gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband.

"It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."

A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it's his day off.

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated." So, the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, "Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow."


The Speeders


  1. How's it going, Nick? Hope all is well with you and Alex and that you are both enjoying the new chair.

  2. Thanks again for the Monday laughs!

  3. I enjoyed the jokes today. I especially like the cute cats. Have a great week Nick.

  4. Very good laughs! An excellent start to the week.

  5. Before and after marriage cracked me up, and the speeders was great, too! Have a great week Nick!

  6. Love the jokes, especially the cat thinking about his barfs. Thanks for making my Monday worthwhile. Again.

  7. el oh el. so true. cats do still make the best laptops!

  8. I love the visual jokes this week! LOL

  9. This always is the highlight of the week for me!
    You know, every week, 11yo and me sit down and enjoy the katz. Don't ever stop - we love it!

  10. Some were so good today I had to stop and read them to my wife.

  11. Hey - just like Dr.John, I had to stop and read some of these to his wife - j/k - I read them to my husband ;) the kitty pix are always a winner in this house!

    Thanks for the funnies, Nick, and I hope you have a great week!

    lil sis

  12. I am going to the river! Thanks for the laffs today!

  13. I LOVE the before & after marriage - LOL.